Letter to My Roommate Regarding the Stuff I Steal
You may be wondering why I am communicating to you through the means of a letter, instead of talking to you directly. It’s because I never see you anymore, or talk to you, or even know if you’re still alive. Even though you’ve been gone so long, I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt over the things I have stolen from you. So I created a list detailing some of the items I’ve taken. I hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me.
Taking your Chapstick may seem somewhat innocent, but I’m trying to be completely honest with you, so here it goes: During Wildcat Welcome I was in our dorm room, and you weren’t there. I was feeling somewhat liberated in your absence, and so I took the opportunity to liberate myself. Unfortunately, I ran out of moisturizer (you didn’t have any that I could steal) and thought that your Chapstick could be used in it’s place. But let me tell you something: Chapstick and friction do not work well together at all! I would say that I deserve punishment, but the rub burns probably suffice. If it makes you feel any better, I technically only borrowed the Chapstick.
Your Grandfather’s Pacemaker
I know you must be wondering why I stole your grandfather’s pacemaker. It definitely sounds bad at first. Like what kind of messed up roommate just goes out and takes the pacemaker of an eighty-year old veteran? The best kind of roommate, that’s who. That potato clock I gave you on your birthday, completely made out of your grandfather’s pacemaker. Yep, I pay attention to you and know how much you’re into recycling and environmental protection crap. Your potato clock was made out of 100% recycled materials. No need to thank me, I already am full aware that I’m an amazing, one-in-a-million roommate. The only downside is that your grandfather is dead, gone forever. But hey, you now have a dope recycled potato clock to remember him by.
I’m so fucking sorry about this one. It was definitely not cool. Swedish Fish are heavenly and sacred and should not be taken without asking. You were gone, away at your grandfather’s funeral, and I just couldn’t contain myself. I crossed a line, bro. I hope you can eventually forgive me. It’s nice to finally get this off my chest though, kinda like your grandfather’s pacemaker. Too soon?
Your Girlfriend’s Great Personality
You were always going on about how much you loved your girlfriend for her amazing personality, so I stole it. I built it a cognitive sieve out of a log of uranium I found and drained her personality. Now that I have it, you won’t need to see her ever again. You hear? No more dates with Janine. All you will ever need is me! ME! ME! ME! Your spectacular roommate.
Swedish Fish (Again)
Dude, I’m so immensely sorry. I stole both packs of Swedish fish. They’re just so fucking good.
The Affection of your Parents
I’ll tell you what, when I first contacted Janine and Bob, I thought, “this is definitely a one-time thing.” But now that I feel comfortable enough that I can cry to them over skype chat about how much I miss my pet turtle from back home, I definitely plan on it to continue. They said they were having some money trouble, so only one us can go home for summer break this year… Janine and Bob already bought me the ticket. You’re going to miss out on seeing the family, and will probably have to be homeless until next semester starts. But cheer up, Buddy, you’ll always have that dope potato clock I made.
I received this strange email from Residential Services saying that someone wanted to move in with me?!?! I just told them that I already have a roommate, and that we’re the bestest two buds in the whole entire world. Can’t wait to see you again.
With Much Love,
Your BFF/Roomate/Lover? (we’ll talk)