Party Foul: A Freshman Invited The Entire Class of 2025 To My Uncle’s Funeral

You guys just couldn’t let me have one event to myself, could you.

It’s been a pretty tough month for me. I’m failing Marriage 101, I’ve already lost my Federal Student Aid check at the horse tracks, and to top it all off I lost my uncle to the MS. His memorial was supposed to be a time for me to get some closure, grieve with my loved ones, and beg my grandparents for some money. And we originally thought it was a blessing from God that we were able to host the service right at my uncle’s favorite time of year, Halloweekend. How wrong we were.

My mother had just started her eulogy when we first heard them. Originally nobody took notice–we just thought it was the horse-drawn carriage we’d hired to take the casket to the grave plot. But as the sound got louder and louder, we realized that these were no horses. It was a group of freshmen from Lincoln doing a Ted Lasso group costume. 

I don’t know how they got a hold of the invite, but somehow someone sent all the details to the Class of 2025 Groupme, where the message received a shocking and inappropriate 58 likes. What happened afterwards was devastating.

The Ted Lasso group was just the beginning. Underclassmen began flooding in, most of them saying they “knew Seth”, although I have no idea who that is. I saw two people in Property Brothers costumes doing body shots off the corpse. I saw the entire Chess Club smoking out my 12-year old sister. I saw my aunt, who had just lost her partner of 38 years, getting grinded on by seven guys dressed up as Princess Diana in that one sweatshirt. Eventually I gave in and started begging them to at least Venmo my family a couple bucks, but no dice.

Look, I understand it’s tough for underclassmen right now. Burger King is closed, Plex is a crime scene, and even fraternities, the last bastion of safety and respect for underclassmen, have been forbade from hosting events. Now, you have no choice but to roam the Evanston streets looking for parties to crash. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that I had to clean vomit off of my deceased uncle’s favorite suit.

I did my waiting–two years of it–in Plex, and now I have the right to enjoy not-too-crowded parties in off-campus spaces, whether it's a Halloween boy-girl-kissing party or a family wake. If you’re really so desperate for some place to drink, just do what we did when we were your age: take Fireball shots in someone’s dorm room, and if the RA knocks,  fake alcohol poisoning and then ask for help so you can all take advantage of Northwestern’s amnesty policy.

Please, all I’m asking is for freshmen to leave me and my family alone during this difficult time. And to whoever YikYakked the time and location of my nephew’s bris: I will find you.