1% of American Population Flocks to Women’s March, 0% of My Friends Respond to My Paperless Post

Last Saturday, women came out in droves to protest against the inauguration of President Donald Trump.  With an estimated 500,000 marchers in Washington, D.C., many suspect that the grand worldwide total may reach up to 5 million. Women, children, and allies of all races and creeds gathered together around the world to protest the new Commander-in-Chief, some traveling hundreds of miles just to make history–– which is interesting, because nobody could take even five minutes to answer my Paperless Post.

So maybe my dog’s half-birthday is not as high-stakes as a misogynistic sex offender taking on the role of the new leader of the Free World, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t take the time to shoot me a quick email to wish my dog a happy two-and-a-half years of life.  Just because our nation is shambles doesn’t mean you can just gamble on Dr. Snoop Dog’s health because he’s honestly not doing great and he may not have that many half-birthdays left. 

Worried about the repeal of the Affordable Care Act causing millions to lose their healthcare? Well, Dr. Snoop Dog’s Dog Vertigo was never covered in the first place, so maybe you should pay a little more attention to what’s happening in your (my) own backyard.

Sure, Trump’s actions over the past several months have been deplorable, and what this country needs more than ever is an active citizenry committed to combating his actions in the White House but, seriously guys?  All it takes is one minute, literally one minute to RSVP to my Paperless Post. The American People might have felt betrayed when it was revealed to them that Hillary won the popular vote by almost three million votes, but it is nothing compared to the betrayal I felt when I ran into Susie and Karen at Starbucks with my unanswered invitation displayed on their iPads.

While you were protecting the Women’s Right to Choose, maybe you should have reflected on the amount of time this woman spent choosing the perfect Paperless Post font. Maybe the choice between Futura and Futura Bold won’t impact millions of Americans but that doesn’t mean that you can’t take a fucking second to at least shoot me a text.  Do you know how many coins I spent on that Polka dot liner? You don’t know, because you’ve never asked. But it’s two, two fucking Paperless Post bitcoins that don’t mean jackshit because it’s all going to waste. The march may have been peaceful, but when I march over to your house I promise it will be anything but peaceful.

So congradu-fucking-lations. You made history. Now, if you don’t RSVP to Tabby’s Naming Day Extravaganza do you know what else will be history? Our friendship.