These Hot Old Men at the Arch Convinced Me to Be Straight
I’ve always been convinced that I was gay. In my free time I love nothing more than throwing on my windbreaker, listening to Carly Rae Jepsen, and bopping off to my local roller derby––also eating pussy. But all of that changed after I met those strange, old men at the arch.
I walked by, grabbed their flyer, and was immediately and completely convinced. It wasn’t their critical argument about how Lesbians are more likely to get breast cancer because they tweak too many nipples nor their carefully crafted arguments about the horrifying acceptance of dick-sucking in Ancient Greek society. No, it wasn’t that at all.
I want be straight because I want to fuck those sexy old men.
Everyone walking by the arch was red-faced from screaming at the men, calling them backwards homophobes. My face was red too, but from blushing. I was embarrassed by my own dirty thoughts. *Internally screaming*, if you will. Those short-sleeve button-down shirts, that Bahamas trucker hat, those wire-frame glasses––these men were everything I hated but still I was… drawn to them?
I mean “The Uncensored Truth About Homosexuality?” Don’t leave anything out, you Cargo-Pants-Wearing-Sex Gods! I mean my mans really takes dirty talk to the next level. Bahama Mama kept telling me how bad I was, how dirty I was, that I was going to hell. Like I am here for it but PLEASE ask me out for drinks first before you completely reject my basic existence as a human being. If I have to “wait” for a second longer for the Sheridan Road crosswalk, I am gonna cum like a racehorse.
And the man on the right in the Newsies cap spitting on the two boys making out in front of them? An absolute snack. In like the way a shriveled-up raisin is a delicious snack. Yummy.
Can you say Zaddy? No. Can you say GranZaddy? Absolutely.
Guess it’s finally time for me to break up with my long-time girlfriend, the woman in the yellow windbreaker with the clipboard who’s always asking you to sign shit for the Human Rights Campaign.