Ask MBG: Answers for Lost Lovers - Vol. I
Problem: I need advice on how to flirt and how to tell when a man is interested.
Hi Clarissa! I’m glad you asked. Flirting is integral to romance, so you have to get it right. The pressure is on. Don’t fuck it up. Seriously, if you fuck it up no one will ever love you and you’ll die alone. Anywho, the best advice I have is to ask your Man of Interest (MOI) about his opinions on the following things: New Capitalism, the International Bittering Units range of his favorite beers, whether or not Adnan Syed is guilty, or which fast food chain has the best breakfast. The key here is to glean some important information about his opinions to see if he’s right for you, while also making sure to assert yourself as more knowledgeable on all the topics previously mentioned, because, assuming you’re a woman, you certainly are.
As far as telling if a man is interested, if he talks to you for more than 3 minutes he’s interested. Men have an Attention Threshold of exactly 180 seconds. Paying attention for any more than that is a big deal. Some colleges award scholarships for that. On the other hand, if he walks away mid-sentence or dozes off while you’re telling him about McDonald’s all-day breakfast, he’s probably not interested. But that’s okay. Because you know that it was definitely Jay and that people who like beer higher than 90 IBU are lying. You don’t need a man to tell you otherwise.
Another loophole out of this situation is buying yourself a vibrator. You don’t need to flirt with it, and it’s always interested in you. And it will never text you “u up?” at 2:30 am.
This is a regular column where Love Expert Master Bader Ginsburg answers all your love-related question. MBG is a widely known misandrist who has been divorced three times and widowed once. She was once called "The Feminazi we didn't ask for and also didn't need" by an employer. She has co-authored and self-published two books, both available on Kindle for $2.99, titled "Dump Him" and "An Impotent Truth: How Old White Men Caused Global Warming."