Things The Man Doesn't Tell You about Going Vegetarian

LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE IS.  DONT YOU WANT TO BE THAT HAPPY. Hey kool kollege kid, want to check another cliché off your list? Already converted to Buddhism, studied abroad, went Greek, and pissed away your parents' retirement funds playing 2048 instead of taking finals? Need something to mitigate the fears of your advancing alcoholism? Don’t worry, you don’t even have to move to save the world. You can literally eat fucktons of fries and be able to call yourself a hero. How? Skip the meat, become vegetarian, and BAM: you’re compassionate. Now go forth, and quote Finding Nemo un-ironically because ~fish are friends, not food~.

But wait[1], that being said, here are a few things to keep in mind coming from someone you should totally trust completely with all life decisions because internet:

  • Jell-O is not vegetarian, but fuck it because Jell-O shots amirite?
  • Animal crackers are though, and you can just pretend they bleed.
  • Finishing a tub of Nutella is totally justified; it has protein.
  • Vegetables don’t have calories, except they do. Like somehow you wont die, but hey, fourths anyone?
  • Farts. Babe, it’s the beans.
  • All alcohol ever always is vegetarian. Yes, even Bakon vodka (bacon flavored vodka). Trust me, I googled it.
  • Killing the spider on the wall is also totally justified and vital to your continued safety as human fucking being.
  • Zombie movies seem sorta meta.
  • Some sausage is fine *wink. Get it? I winked so you would know I was talking about penis.
  • Slaying bitches. Also fine. HA. This time I’m talking about vaginas.
  • Money - as in you’ll finally have some of it because food cost almost nothing. In fact, you can make a whole meal out of most condiment bars and/or Whole Foods free samples.

So there you have it. Fuck bitches, get money, break wind, all without ever having to actively DO anything. Next phase: posting a Facebook status to “spread awareness." But, *warning you might have to actually type for that one.

- Angela Twerkel

[1] BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!! (RIP Billy Mays)


If this article inspired you to go out and grow some plants or whatever, then you should take the next step and apply to be a writer for Sherman Ave!!!


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