Summer Break Reminding Frat Star He Used to Get Shit Beat Out of Him

WAYNE, Nj. - Rising Sophomore Kris “The Man” Meloni has not been enjoying his summer vacation.

“It’s just after I pledged [redacted] last year, I thought things would be different when I got back home,” the 19-year-old Political Science major said in a phone interview with Sherman Ave. “I didn’t expect that I would still get my face pounded in by Andrew Terrio and the boys.”

Meloni stated that he intended to begin a new chapter in his life when he came to Northwestern University. While he feels he has succeeded in that effort, he did not anticipate that the hairy and brutish Italian knuckles of Andrew Terrio would continue to torture him.

“After I pledged my fraternity, I gained a lot of confidence and became pretty famous within my pledge class for having the highest chill-to-pull ratio,” Meloni said while suppressing the tears presumably brought on by one of Terrio’s legendary charlie horses. Meloni further stated that he would enjoy if Terrio and the Wayne Goon Squad stopped splashing butane on him with the intent of setting him on fire.

Terrio told Sherman Ave in an email that “he didn’t give two shits” in regard to Meloni’s involvement in a fraternity and that Meloni was still “the same nerd who did show choir and quiz bowl in high school.” When asked if he ever planned to ease up on Meloni, Terrio told Sherman Ave that he would continue to harass him until he spells his name with a “Ch," adding that only losers spell “Chris” with a “K.”

Come September, Meloni plans to continue furthering his credibility within his fraternity. “I just want Andrew to understand that I’m an important member of a high ranking fraternity at Northwestern. I don’t understand why that’s so funny to him.”