Sherman Ave Goes To The Pitchfork Music Festival
My best friend Rabbi Bono* was coming back to the city to go the Pitchfork Music Festival, so I used my clout as a Sherman Ave editor to get press passes for the fest and decided to recap my experience during the three day independent music festival because this website will literally publish anything during the summer. Day 1
4:27 pm: I get to the fest and text Rabbi Bono to let her know I am here, and she doesn't respond in a timely manner. This is textbook Rabbi Bono. Naturally, I look my map and play 'Where in the World is Rabbi Bono." I see there is a Chipotle VIP tent. I walk there.
4:37 pm: As I walk, I receive a text revealing Rabbi Bono's location. Surprisingly, it was not near the Chipotle VIP tent. Rabbi Bono was apparently not worthy of being a Chipotle VIP. This fact saddens both of us.
4:42 pm: Rabbi Bono and I reunite for the first time since finals week. We gossip about our friends and talk shit about people we hate. Just like old times.
5:10 pm: After getting some criminally expensive tacos, we meet up with Rabbi Bono's boyfriend (who will be known as Rick Mayweather) to go see The Haxan Cloak.
5:27 pm: You know when you and your friends go to explore deep in the woods and find a cabin that appears abandoned, so you all go in. As you guys explore the interior, you all notice that it just looks like an regular abandoned cabin in the middle of the woods but as you go into the basement you find an box labeled "porn." You and your friends, of course, open it but instead of sweet, sweet vintage porn, you find a box of severed hands. That's what the music of The Haxan Cloak sounds like, so we leave to go see Sharon Van Etten.
5:41 pm: Sharon Van Etten makes me sad but she is great.
6:27 pm: Mark Kozelek of Sun Kil Moon comments on the large number of white people at the festival. I didn't notice it mainly because spending nine months in Evanston made me accustomed to not seeing another minority.
6:50 pm: If you aren't familiar with the music of Sun Kil Moon, it's super sad especially since he just released an album that was mostly about people he loved dying. Mark Kozelek is an extremely talented man but between him and Sharon Van Etten, I needed to commit a quick sui.
9:03 pm: Beck is fucking great. He played all the hits and was busting some sick moves. I guess the Scientology has really changed his life for the better.
2:00 pm: I get to the fest and Rabbi Bono tells me that she and Rick Mayweather will get there in time for Cloud Nothings. I smoke cigarettes and wait for them.
3:00 pm: Rabbi Bono and the BAE are still en route. I wait. I eat a BBQ chicken sandwich and discover its natural pairing with Marlboro.
3:04 pm: I almost made a spliff using weed I found on the grass. I decided against it because I don't want to become that type of marijuana user. You know, the type that smokes ground weed at a music festival.
3:22 pm: To mosh or not to mosh, that is the question. But like seriously, no because I am wearing a polo and some jeans and I don't want it to get all wet with sweat. Gotta look fresh, ya know.
4:48 pm: Where the fuck is Rabbi Bono!? I try to figure out how to send out an AMBER Alert but I'm not getting service. I have to assume that she and Rick Mayweather have died in a gruesome train wreck.
5:15 pm: Pusha T was late to his set because his DJ was AWOL but he delivered. My favorite part of his set was the end, however, when he screamed "Based God my dick!" and left the stage with all of Lil' B's legion of post ironic teens in anger.
6:11 pm: Merrill Garbus is a fucking queen.
7:09 pm: Reunited with Rabbi Bono at Danny Brown. Danny Brown is scary yet awesome.
8:09 pm: Rabbi Bono, Rick Mayweather, Rick's friend and I watch St. Vincent go wild and smash her head into the base drum for the safety of the Neutral Milk Hotel crowd.
8:33 pm: Rabbi Bono feels nauseous so she and Rick Mayweather leave our prime NMH spot and Rick's friend and I bro out to Neutral Milk Hotel.
9:05 pm: Man if I thought Rick's friend and I were broing out, the two guys in front of us have not come to terms with their homosexuality for each other
9:19 pm: Despite the fact that Jeff Mangum looks like a Vietnam Veteran's Rights Activist, he and the band are delivering an amazing set.
9:47 pm: NMH is over and Rabbi Bono feels better. Rabbi Bono and I part ways with Rick and friend. They go see an after-show. We go eat fried fish at a strip mall near my high school.
12:35 pm: Rabbi Bono and I get to the fest early and she got angry because of the pat downs. I had the fortune of being patted down by a kid that went to high school with me. My friends and I use to make fun of small hands, but his hands felt like Shaquille O' Neal's when he touched my ball sack.
1:08 pm: Rabbi Bono is still upset by the time Mutual Benefit's set starts. I offer her some Arnold Palmer (the only cure for any problem) but she declines. I then mention a little kid I saw nearby and Rabbi Bono expresses her desire to "just kick one kid in the face to send a message to all the parents who bring their kids to festivals." She is still upset.
2:30 pm: Rabbi Bono appears to feel better after Perfect Pussy's great set. This is good news for all the children at the festival. Another year will go by without a child's face kicked in. Side note: when did soccer jerseys become the go-to festival attire?
2:35 pm: Rabbi Bono watch Deafheaven from distance. We agree that we like the band a little but are unable to get into them because of how much the lead singer seems into Naziism.
4:34 pm: If Kendrick doesn't come out during Schoolboy Q's preformance of "Collared Greens," I swear to god, I am going to scream.
4:38 pm: I scream and a bunch of people and tell me to chill.
5:55 pm: Real Estate is nice. That is the only way to describe them but a bunch don't like the fact that they can't turn up so they leave to go smoke more weed or whatever.
6:16 pm: Holy Shit! That's Slowdive. I get to see Slowdive. OMG! I never thought this day will come!? Again people tell me to chill after hearing me express this.
7:11 pm: Teenagers are gross. All of them. That's my main takeaway from this weekend.
7:40 pm: I have separated from Rabbi Bono and Rick at Grimes. I spend the set dancing with gay dudes because I miss my life at Northwestern. Specifically, my gay roommates and our dance parties.
8:06 pm: I trade some cigarettes for a burger and fries. I am happy assisting in this man's addiction to fuel my own addiction of foods that will make my heart stop.
8:32 pm: No Rabbi Bono. No Rick. No Burger. No Fries. No Cigarettes. Most importantly, NO KENDRICK LAMAR.
8:47 pm: Still no Kendrick. I really wish I had a burger and fries to trades for cigarettes right about now.
9:00 pm: Ohhh Kendrick. Hello. Nice of you to get here on time.
9:31 pm: Kendrick is fun but I've had enough of the festival life for another year. My face is sweaty and my legs are tried. I bid the Pitchfork Music Festival adieu. It's been fun. See you next year!
* I changed my friend's name for legal reasons. The first person to guess her name wins a personal phone call from Sherman Ave Editor-in-Chief Prince Giblets.