Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Escaping Medical Quarantine
Diseases suck, and since you seem to have one, you probably suck as well. One minute you're going into Searle to have somebody check out your cough, your runny nose, and your major acute organ failure; and the next thing you know there are people in hazmat suits talking about removing your liver. Being in medical quarantine is less than ideal, of course.
The fact that you’re turning to Sherman Ave for advice at this point probably means you’re a goner, but we here recognize that getting to class is important even if it means putting the greater Chicagoland area at risk of a horribly painful death by self-liquefaction. We’re going to give you an itemized, easily digestible list of things to do to help you escape, on the condition you stay the hell away from us.
1) Find out where the hell they’ve taken you
So you’re probably being held somewhere on the southwest side of campus, which looks like this:
However, because paranoia and hallucination are early onset symptoms of what you have, to you, it probably looks more like this:
Don’t panic. As far as we know, being transported to a magical fantasy realm of talking Jesus lions and 80s pro-wrestlers who are using you for secret bio-weapon experiments is a completely normal thing. They’ve probably locked you in one of their many secret laboratories scattered throughout the area. Only become worried if somebody tries to anally probe you with anything bigger than an avocado.
2) Play it cool
Remember, you aren’t actually sick. It may look like it, but you’re actually perfectly fine. If anything is amiss, just play it off as normal (“No nurse, I always shit out my intestines. Really helps clear things out down there").
Also, don’t consent to any tests. If they ask you to give a sample of anything to determine whether or not you have some weird tropical disease, offer them only a semen sample while eyeing the hottest person in the room. If it works you’ll have one last good hookup before you die. If not, you’ll just have more time to prepare for step 3.
3) Walk right out the front door
There are two approaches to this. One is the “Orderly Exit,” where you disguise yourself as a healthcare worker and play the part of someone trying to break for lunch. With any luck and some confident walking, nobody will question it.
The other strategy is, what I like to call, the “Monrovia Special.” Do what they do in Liberia: strip naked, lubricate your entire body, and run out the front door waving used needles at people and shouting incoherent things about the government harvesting your organs. Nobody wants to deal with that level of crazy, so they’ll let you walk.
4) Infect as many people as possible
So now that you’re out they’re going to be looking for sick people, right? Your best bet would be to overwhelm the local healthcare infrastructure with a massive amount of new cases. Sneeze in the dining hall. Cough on people sitting near you in class. Lick every single fucking doorknob on campus. With any luck, the entire student body will be slowly and painfully dying within the week, and you will be living in an apocalyptic wasteland where nobody will come after you.
5) Return to classes
Sure, whatever disease you have has a 95% mortality rate, and you may have actively created a pressing global health crisis, but on the off chance that you remain alive and society doesn’t collapse completely, that GPA has to be kept up.