Oh No! Your Friend Came Back From Studying Abroad And Is Now An Asshole!
After a restful, relaxing winter break you’re finally ready to start school again. Winter is here, but that’s okay at least you’re with your friends, the people who support you in those trickier times. All your friends are hanging out in your dorm room, and everyone is talking with that comfortable energy that comes at the beginning of the quarter, thankful to be reunited once again. You look out the window of your dorm room as large snowflakes float from the soft grey sky and rest on the trees, grass, and ground. You reflect on what 2019 will bring. Will you find a girlfriend? Will you find that one class that changes your life? Will your relationships with your friends deepen? Will you--
“Actually It’s pronounced LaCroix!”
Oh no! Eric is back from his study abroad in France, and now he’s an asshole! Instead of supporting your friends through tough times, you’re going to be hearing about how people in France do things differently, how it’s so much better , and how they have excellent government healthcare--even though Eric’s family never needed medicaid. Instead of self actualizing this quarter your ears are going to get verbally fisted by the phrase “well when I was in France...” Instead of finally letting your friends see you cry, get ready to get your eyes pummeled by instagram photos of croissants and the Seine River. Yeah...those instagram photos will go great with your seasonal depression. Oh the woes of modern man! We have been crucified on a cross made of smartphones. You see Eric approaching you.
“Hey Brian How was your break? I haven’t seen you in so long.”
“Yeah it’s been good? How was France?”
“It felt so good to get out of the Evanston bubble. You know? The food was amazing, and I went to so many museums and bars! It feels so sad to be back in Evanston after all that. God I wish I was back in France, the cultural banality of Evanston tortures my soul.”
“Yeah It’s good to see you too.”
“C’est vrais! Despite everything it’s so good to voir mes amis.”
“Anything interesting happen while you were there?”
“Did you hear about the yellow vest protests? Well I saw them! God! France has such a rich history of protest. They really understand democracy over there. Unlike the Cheeto-face in the white house am I right? I wonder why we don’t have that kind of thing here?”
“I mean we did have black lives matter.”
“Yeah but that’s different. Ooh are those hors d'oeuvres?”
“You mean those Oreos?”
Eric leaves your company to eat the hors d’oreos. How could this have happened? Your friend who--just a quarter ago--was vomiting on his shoes at the burger king has become an Asshole. You’ve gotta do something. Stick up for yourself. Otherwise you’re never going to hear the end of his study abroad experience. He comes back to you with his hands full of oreos.
“You know Brian. In France, Oreos are actually--”
“FUCK OFF ERIC! FUCK OFF FRENCHMEN!”
Crisis averted. You did good. Now go treat yourself to some peppermint schnapps.
