Most Selective, Zeta Theta Kappa Accepts Only American Girl Dolls to Rush Class

EVANSTON, IL — Setting a new bar for exclusivity and elitism, the Northwestern chapter of the Zeta Theta Kappa sorority has accepted a new rush class composed entirely of American Girl dolls. The decision has been met by mixed reactions, from humans and plastic-human-replicas alike.

        The American Girl doll company has been producing expensive 18-inch dolls for bougie young girls (often named Shayna, or Cassandra) since 1986. All dolls have their own unique cultural and historical background, and each comes with a book dramatizing these events (note: books only read by dorks).

        “We’re just super proud to say we really got the best of the best this year,” chapter president Jocelyn McCourt said. “We most definitely have the hottest girls on campus. They’re classy and they can’t talk. They were like made for Greek life!”

        Current members have had the opportunity of selecting their Little-Sisters from the catalog of preexisting American Girl characters or creating make-your-own look-a-like dolls, designed to physically resemble their owners.

        “I wanted my Little to look just like me, so I did a make-your-own,” junior Stephanie Nevins said. “I even used a sharpie to write ‘Fuck Jason’ on her lower back. Just like I have! Jason is this guy I went to formal with. The tattoo used to just say ‘Jason’ but then I added the ‘Fuck’ part later. It’s a long story just he started seeing his ex from home again which is weird but whatever. I’m over it. Like it’s cool. I love my new Little.”

        The decision has come as a heartbreak to the many new freshmen hoping to break into one of the university’s top sororities. Zeta Theta Kappa released a statement saying decisions were made based on “personality compatibility.”

        “I mean American Girl dolls have legit no personality. Like at all. They are inanimate,” rejected freshmen Sandy Beavers said. “So for real, Zeta chose to be surrounded by no personality over my personality. Fuck. Like, do I suck or something?”

        Kappa’s first mixer of the year will be with the fraternity Sigma Chi Omega. Chapter members say that they are excited to meet the new members of the elite sorority, and also added that a few of the brothers even have some experience with dolls, primarily of the “blow up” variety.

        “I think everyone will really love the new Zetas,” McCourt added. “And if they don’t like them, they’re just dolls, so they won’t be able to feel the soul-crushing insecurity I endure on a daily basis. We’re all looking forward to the social season ahead.”

        New pledges rushing Zeta declined to comment, because they can’t talk since they’re pointlessly expensive American Girl dolls that can’t do a fucking thing.

UPDATE: Stephanie and Jason reunited as this article went to press, but he has since dumped her again and is now in a committed relationship with her own look-a-like American Girl doll.