Casualties Report: School of Comm Students Endure Mamma Mia 2 Related Injuries
Warning: This article contains spoilers and praises Cher.
Casting a worrisome tone over summer vacation, Theater and RTVF majors alike have sustained various injuries in recent screenings of the ABBA jukebox-musical-romantic-comedy-sequel-prequel Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again. Top medical authorities suspect the trend is due to the film’s dangerously fabulous and indulgently phenomenal nature.
According to the CDC and WHO, the sequel to the 2008 classic Mamma Mia! is injuring students in the School of Communication because they are more susceptible to art and being really fucking extra. Reports of injuries have been coming in on a consistent and borderline-sarcastic basis, but the most recent updates are given below:
RTVF sophomore Caroline Muggleson is now in recovery from a flesh-eating bacteria she developed in her left eye from not blinking for too long during a Thursday presentation of the film. The bacteria has become more aggressive since the student has decided to ignore the advice of doctors and gone to see the film an additional four times. Muggleson described Meryl Streep’s appearance as a ghost at the end of the film as, “Like when Yoda came back in Last Jedi, but actually significant to the history of cinema.”
RTVF major and Theater minor Noah Alvarez is literally missing one of his kidneys, as he ripped it out during the production number of “Dancing Queen” and threw it at the screen to show his support of Pierce Brosnan’s attempt at the choreography. While a movie theater staff member was able to relocate the kidney on the floor and offered it to the student for emergency surgery, Alvarez has instead decided to mail the now-dry organ to the country estate of Colin Firth.
Previous reports indicating fatalities among the student population have officially been proven false. This news comes after the university and police investigated the tweet of Theater junior Benjamin Rydell (Twitter handle: BenjOfTheOpera622) that read, “OMG I AM DEAD CHER IN MAMMA MIA OMG SO DEAD.” Authorities were able to find Rydell in the shower of his Scarsdale estate, alive, jamming to Cher’s 1998 disco hit “Strong Enough.”
Local Scarsdale police commissioner Suzanne Warren released an official statement calling Rydell in “sound condition” and confirmed that Cher “does in fact kill, but in the sense of that she gives a superb and exciting performance. There is no reason to suspect that her performance of ‘Fernando’ in the film is anything but spectacular. Having said that, we are taking preventative and protective actions on behalf of local theater students for whatever reactions they may have to Cher’s full ABBA-cover album. ”
School of Communication dean Barbara O’Keefe was unable to comment as she is in recovery from the emergency double-ankle surgery she needed after watching Christine Baranski perform a high-leg-kick during the “Angel Eyes” number of the Mamma Mia 2.