McCormick Engineer Can’t Stop Rubbing Nipples While Explaining Coursework
McCormick Junior, Ben Callaway, has been spotted on north campus massaging his nipples while talking with Chemical Engineering classmates. Some students close to Callaway believe he was developed an erotic attraction to the difficulty of Northwestern’s Engineering School.
“I noticed it around Week 3,” said roomate and LOC major Luke Jacobs. “When I asked how his classes were going, he kept repeating ‘They’re starting to get soooo difficult. Oooooh man, nothing that you babies in SESP would understand.’” Jacobs also explained how this habit started, claiming, “He would just close his eyes and discuss how hard EECS is gonna be this quarter, and how he’s guaranteed a job after graduation while SESP students aren’t, and it’s been nonstop nipple rubbing since then.”
Further investigation shows Callaway was briefly hospitalized during exam week last quarter for severe nipple chafing. Although he declined to comment on the issue, a grad school TA said that Callaway released deep moans while taking his final exam. “I refused to award him partial credit, but it only seemed to excite him further,” the TA confirmed.
Callaway was last seen explaining how hard his major is to a bunch of Bienen students, who appeared both confused and uninterested.