Jacob’s Spotify Year in Review Confirms He’s a Sociopath

As the year comes to an end, the holiday season gives us the time to reflect on all of the memories we’ve made this year, high and low…oh yeah, and yet another reminder that Jacob is, without a shadow of a doubt, a sociopath.

Spotify’s year in review feature makes it easy to look back on your year in listening and share your most-played artists with your friends. Except for Jacob, whose top 5 artists all fell into a Venn diagram of “Nine Inch Nails cover band” and “washing machine noises.” When asked whether the washing machine noises were white noise to fall asleep, Jacob ripped out a sheet of notebook paper and a dry-erase marker, slowly wrote “No.” in cursive, folded it into a neat origami ninja star, and refused to answer any further questions.

As if that wasn’t alarming enough, Spotify also allows users to see and share the exact number of minutes they streamed music this year. That’s great for every Vans-wearing college man who needs to remind you that his Myers-Briggs personality test results only said “Mac DeMarco,” but impossibly bad for Jacob. According to his Wrapped breakdown, Jacob listened to exactly 5,318,008 minutes of music this year, which is not only mathematically impossible but also just plain unsettling. When Sherman Ave asked Jacob how much planning and foresight went into getting his Spotify minutes to crudely spell out “boobies,” Jacob just smiled with all of his teeth and slowly exhaled through them.

Despite washing machine noise filling the top artist spots, Jacob’s top song was...wait, what the fuck? It says his top song is Jolene by Dolly Parton… I’ve seen a few Mo Bambas and too many hours of Drake, but this takes the cake. Wait. Hold the fuck up. It’s the fucking Pentatonix version. I could not have made up a bigger red flag.

To switch things up and nod to 2018’s astrology obsession, Spotify also presented users with the dominant star sign of their favorite artists. While his friends all got Scorpio or Sagittarius, Jacob’s screen only said “Zodiac Killer” — which was SO off, because he’s clearly a Gemini.