Graduating High School Senior Writes Hand-Written Love Letter to Crush
GROSSE POINTE, MI – With only a few weeks before he is set to begin a new life at college, recently graduated high school senior Michael Lavecki has decided to “go for broke” with his long time crush Jessica Peterson-Caruso – by writing for her a hand-scribed, deeply confessional letter, detailing the vast array of feelings he has and has had for her for the last four years of his life.
“After this, dude, things are gonna be totally different,” he commented. “After she reads this letter, she’s finally gonna realize that what she’s wanted has been in front of her all along.”
Lavecki, who is set to attend the University of Michigan in the fall and plans to major in English with a minor in Philosophy, fell “hard core” in love with Peterson-Caruso after they were in the same Geometry section second semester of freshman year. “Jess,” he remarked, “completely captivated me.”
“She has these really big, beautiful eyes, and great tits, and she’s just, I don’t know, she’s just cool. Like, she’s someone I can talk to about anything, but the problem is she still thinks of me as just a friend and – I don’t know, you know? Hey, by the way, can you not put the thing I said about her rack in the article? I’m trying to create a persona here.”
Despite being in love with her “like I’m Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate,” Lavecki never had a chance to be her boyfriend while still in high school. He explains that she was always dating older, more “jock-type” guys, because surprise surprise girls don’t like guys who are self-loathing self-absorbed mopey whiney unconfident pussy-ass bitches Lavecki is just too nice of a guy. However, as he re-iterates, even someone as “shallow, sometimes” as Peterson-Caruso wouldn’t be able to ignore his “impassioned” prose.
The letter, which is festooned with the influence of J.D. Salinger and Jack Kerouac, contains various references to Shakespeare sonnets and James Joyce’s Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man, as well as four numbered footnotes which appear at the end of the letter. It also quotes Tears for Fears’ “Head Over Heels” and R.E.M.’s “The One I Love."
“Even if it doesn’t make her want to be with me and try the long distance relationship during college,” Lavecki remarked, “I at least want it to make her think; I want it to make her remember me in the way I want her to. Because if (500) Days of Summer, Garden State, and Woody Allen’s entire filmography have taught me anything, it’s that my thoughts and opinions about what our friendship should mean matter way more than hers; ultimately it’s what the guy wants, period.
“Yeah, I think she’s finally gonna come around,” added Lavecki.
While Peterson-Caruso could not be reached for comment, it has been reported that, over the course of this summer, she has received two similar letters, one from rising high school senior and her love interest in the spring musical Peter Dusik, as well as a 20-year old college student from Wooster College with whom she hooked up in West Palm Beach over Spring Break named David Walter “D-Dubs” Smith. Sources predict that she will keep both letters unopened on her desk for the remainder of the summer, then send them through the shredder before she leaves for college, along with other assorted pieces of scrap paper.