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A Northwestern Student's Guide to the University of Michigan

I have a terrible confession to make.

With our newly-ranked (again) Wildcats about to take on the Wolverines of the University of Michigan this coming Saturday, I need to tell the world something, lest I regret my silence.

I am a native of Ann, Arbor, Michigan, the hometown of our upcoming opponent.

Shocking, I know.  Disgraceful.  It is enough to make a man vomit; hell, I’m vomiting right now.  But living in Ann Arbor for 18 long years has given me interesting insight into Ann Arbor, and by relation, UMich (or as Ann Arborites call it, U of M).  Therefore, let me try and prime you with all the information about “The Harvard of Southeast Michigan’s Central Part” you need to know and that other “news” sources won’t tell “you”.  In no real order:

  1. As previously mentioned, the University of Michigan’s most well-known and populated campus is located in Ann Arbor, Michigan.  Because of its academic nature, its heavy sense of culture and its relatively low unemployment rate (5.3%, compared with Michigan’s 9.3%), Ann Arbor is often considered Michigan’s “best” city.  This is equivalent to being the meth addict with the “best” set of teeth, or the guy who is the “best” at making sculptures out of horse shit.  To Ann Arbor, the state of Michigan is like that one guy you know who buys alcohol for you (if you are underaged (by the way you shouldn’t drink if you’re underage.  It’s illegal you know.)):  he’s overweight, he never buys enough, and when he does, its Skol, but you need him because at least he supplies something, and he’s fun to be around for the first few drinks, before he breaks your lamp and says he can’t replace it because he’s out of money.  Also he has no qualms with banging your girlfriend while you solemnly drink a vodka-coke and cry tears of defeat. 
  2. Ann Arbor residents know they’re better than everyone at everything ever.  Whether it’s using their $50,000 art degrees to make lattès at one of Ann Arbor’s 74 disheveled, hipster coffee houses/vegan restaurants; acting like they know a lot about politics/the plight of the working class because they grew up in the “bad” part of Ann Arbor (their parents were only general physicians, not surgeons); or shoving their heads up their own asses; Ann Arborites excel at every venture they try.  Especially writing humorous articles for college-based news parody websites.

  3. This strong feeling of culture and diversity oozes in to Ann Arbor’s most visible possession, U of M.  The school’s colors are blue and yellow – oh wait, I’m sorry, I meant “maize and blue,” as the U of M faithful call it.  Good choice, guys.  Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of your opponent like a freshly picked ear of maize, or corn, as normal people call it.  You probably should’ve gone further and made your colors maize and blueberry.  Not only are you pretending to be vegetarians (another Ann Arbor pastime), but you’re also high in fiber and vitamin C.  We should adopt the same ideals at Northwestern, really; I’d be totally down to say that my school’s colors are white and eggplant.
  4. Michigan’s school mascot is the wolverine, a smallish, bear-like animal that is commonly seen around the Ann Arbor area.  Actually, wait, scratch that – the closest wolverines are fucking 500 miles away in the Upper Peninsula!  (They also apparently live in Alaska and Siberia; in other words, natural selection is just begging for us to let them die.)  Even if Michigan’s over-vexed founders knew basic geography, it still doesn’t excuse them from choosing such an underwhelming mascot.  I mean, look at them.  They look like slightly-less pathetic weasels.  Also, have you seen X-Men Origins: Wolverine?  I rest my case.  They should’ve been the Michigan Cyclopses instead…although I guess that’s equally as pathetic.

I hope this has helped you understand why Ann Arbor is such a miserable place.  However, if you still need more, convincing, I’ll just leave this here and let you watch the typical U-M student’s vilely sloppy nature.  Could we possibly out-class them anymore?  Actually, yes.  We probably could.  It wouldn’t be that hard.   (Hashtag) Get Fucked, Michigan.

-Prince Giblets

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