Freshman Guide: The Pros and Cons of Sitting With Someone New in the Dining Hall

Oct 1

Oct 1 Freshman Guide: The Pros and Cons of Sitting With Someone New in the Dining Hall

Freshman Guide, General Heinous, Roommates/Dorm Life

So, you’ve been at school for a few weeks, and you’ve gotten into a groove of eating with members of your PA group or a couple of your weirder hallmates at the dining hall. It’s been fun so far, but Jason’s nose-picking is getting less and less endearing by the day, and that one girl who wears cat ears isn’t nearly as quirky as she ought to be. “Maybe it’s time to branch out a bit,” you think. But talking to new people requires effort, effort that could be used to pretend like you’re having fun at a Welcome Week party [1]. Lucky for you, we here at Sherman Ave have created a handy list of pros and cons to help you decide if sitting with somebody new will be “totally rad” or a “major bummer.”

PROS:

You’ll be sure to wow the table with your pocket constitution.
The last time you sat down next to someone you didn’t know, it turned out to be Hillary Swank.
A nice conversation could momentarily distract you from the futility of the human condition.
When David Schwimmer was at Northwestern, he once sat down next to somebody he didn’t know in Allison and proclaimed “One day, I will be the least likeable character in an ensemble cast.” He then ate his risotto in silence, and the rest is history.
Finally sitting down next to this girl would help break the tension created by your preceding 30 seconds of uninterrupted eye contact

CONS:

Whoever you sit down next to will totally notice you’ve soiled yourself.
Every second you spend eating is a second that you could be vaping instead.
Jason just picked a really big booger and you can’t wait to see where this goes.
Once you start eating, everyone will see that you have a hook hand.
This could pretty easily be misconstrued as a microagression.

[1] Condolences, freshmen, this is a joke for your elders.

You know what's better than making new friends? Making new friends that have a bad influence on you and start you down a path that will eventually be the basis of your tragic Oscar-winning biopic! APPLY TO SHERMAN AVE!!!