Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Your Potential Roommate
Hello, incoming member of the class of 2017. How are you? Nervous? Why? Oh! You’re filling out your roommate application, and you’re worried because you have no idea who your roommate, the person who you will see possibly more than any other person next year, will be, or what he/she will be like. You are frightened, hesitant, and confused. Well, I am here to assure that you should definitely be all of those things. The roommate application is an extremely big deal. The quality of your roommate, your sleeping area comrade, your bedroom buddy, could single-handedly make or break your freshman year, and determine whether that active aggression turns into passive aggression. Let me put it another way: Imagine you are on a game show, and you have to choose to open one of two doors. Behind one door is a normal person. Behind the other door is a large, cross-eyed ogre who will rip your fingernails out, one by one. That is what choosing your roommate is like.
I was actually one of the fortunate ones on this account. Few know it, but my freshman year roommate was in fact the distinguished and (dis)honorable Alabaster Chevrolet. It’s true. We formed a bond almost instantly, and shared many memorable moments: From the time when Alabaster slept for three days straight, to the time we found and killed a small raccoon that had broken in through our window
, to the time when we gave each other tuggies after I learned my hamster died.
So how can you be assured that you receive as good of a roommate as Alabaster? Here are a few sure-fire tips that are guaranteed to both grant you a great roommate, and also help you establish a solid rapport with him/her. And yes, they will work for everyone:
1. Go Random: You probably know a kid from your hometown who is also going to Northwestern. You’re both super stoked that you’re going to the same college, so obviously, you’re going to room together, right? Wrong. Do not do this. It can only end in misfortune. You may like this person now, but you can only know a person so well and for so long; after a while, you will begin to resent and reject each other completely. It’s human nature; it’s why divorce is such a cool thing to do. By having a blank roommate slate, there is a chance of it being really bad, sure…but there’s also a chance of it being good – unlike living with your hometown comrade, which will inevitably lead to anger-sexiles. Alabaster and I, for example, did not know each other at all…and it worked out beautifully. Meanwhile, my friends from back home Richie and Eugene, long-time high school besties who decided to room together at Michigan State, both had restraining orders levied against each other…while they were still living together.* The lesson? Random selection is your friend.
2. Whatever You Are Like, Say You Are the Opposite: Being yourself sucks. All being myself got me in high school was the role of Motel in Fiddler on the Roof and blue balls from my marginally-attractive senior prom date. Now I’m not saying that you’re not cool, incoming freshmen; I can almost guarantee that you are cooler than I am. But even though you’re probably a pretty sweet person, you’re definitely not incredible; you can only be so cool and be valedictorian. So lie, lie, lie on that roommate app. The more awesomer you seem, the better. Am I cleanly? Hell yeah I am; please pay no mind to the two kingdoms of ants engaging in a turf war in the corner of my room. Do I want my roommate to be a friend? No, I want him to be the friend. I would give my life for my roommate. I would even give my hamster’s life** for my roommate.
I am assuming this is how Alabaster and I were pieced together; it would have been awkward revealing that I was a complete fraud, but since he was also a complete fraud, there was no harm done. Just hope you don’t get one of the six people in the class of 2017 who actually keeps their room properly clean.
3. Contact Your Roommate AS SOON AS You Learn Their Identity: Do not wait at all. Not even a day. Not even an hour. When you get your roommate assignment, send them an email that contains a detailed autobiography, containing not only key facts about your life, but your greatest hopes, fears, and fetishes. It is impossible to appear over-zealous; you’re just being friendly, after all, and there’s no such thing as too much friendliness.***
4. Hook Up With Each Other: Alright, let’s get real. Regardless of your sexual orientation, you two might as well just bump uglies ASAP and get it out of the way. There will be tension, no matter what you may think now. Your roommate will probably be far more attractive than you are (Alabaster certainly was), and as a result, your mind will begin to wander and fantasize while you lie awake, watching him/her watch episodes of The Office on his/her computer. College will undoubtedly make you horny, and you will quickly find that your hormones need to be quelled in any way possible.
Being DTF to fuck your roommate is the obvious choice of release for a few reasons: It’s convenient (no one has to travel around campus at night), it’s courteous (neither of you gets sexiled), and it’s adventurous, because as you all should know, college is a time to experience new things and learn about different people and yadda yadda yadda the same stale played-out diatribe you’ve read in every single new student how-to article that has ever been written ever.
In all seriousness, freshies, don’t worry. All will be ok. Most people here are pretty cool, so chances are your roommate will be a pretty cool person, too. Here’s to hoping you find your Alabasters, class of 2017. Godspeed.
*I strongly recommend against doing this, for many reasons; however, the most obvious is without a doubt their sleeping situation. The two could never sleep in their room at the same time; one was always forced to sleep outside, on the sidewalk, in the pouring rain. Yes, it always rains at night in East Lansing, MI. It is tragically beautiful, like a car crash during a sunset, or a Plex Burrito with a tear down the middle.
** That's a lie.
***Freshman Tip: Don’t try to make this argument to campus police. Apparently they don’t think “Free Night Time Hugs, Inc.” is a viable business option. Talk about a bunch of grumpy-pants.
FOR MORE FRESHMAN GUIDE FUN, CHECK OUT THE ENTIRE SERIES HERE.