A Freshman Guide to Jacking It While Your Roommate's in the Room
It’s the end of a long, stressful day of classes, and you just need a way to let off some steam. So you sit down, bust out the Jergens and Kleenex and...see that someone is staring at you. Who’s this asshole? Oh yeah! It’s your roommate, and you were totally about to jerk your jerky in front of him. That’s the one thing about college, at least in high school, most of us had a bedroom of our own. It was private, secluded, and stocked with all the socks or Kleenex a healthy growing boy could need. This is by far the most difficult part of navigating the roommate experience, but lucky for you, dear reader, we here at Sherman Ave have some suggestions:
- Ask for some alone time: You have needs, so does your roommate. He will understand if you say, “I need to choke the snake, get out for Pete’s sake!” It does help if your requests rhymes, like mine did. If you wanna get fancy you and your roommate can set up a rotation of sorts, designating alone time in the room, like a time share! But if your roommate won’t leave…
- Try the back-to-back approach: We all did it back in middle school. Sit on the floor facing opposite sides of the room and just whack it. Remember, keep all mirrors and other reflective surfaces outside of your fields of vision, for if you make eye contact, you’re gay now. If this doesn’t work for you…
- Get a room at the luxurious Hilton Orrington: Imagine it. A room all to yourself. A bathtub for your own use. Terribly scripted porno from the 70s on Pay Per View, so you can rub one out while feeling intellectually superior, which, for me, is a pretty major turn on. And it’s all at only $139 a night! If you’d prefer to eat for the next month, however…
- Bully a music major into letting you into the Beehive: The Beehive is a building owned by the Bienen School of Music filled with many small, soundproofed practice rooms. If anybody asks why you need to use it, claim you’re “refining the skin flute technique,”or, “beating the drum,”or, “fiddling with the didgeridoo.” Unfortunately, only Bienen students can get in, so if that isn’t you, you’ll have to shake one down. Luckily, most freshmen can be easily intimidated, tricked, or bribed. But if you can’t…
- Get your roommate to jerk you off while you jerk him off. This may seem a little strange to you right now, but that’s because you just met the guy! By Winter Quarter, after living together for a few months, this will seem like the natural, logical thing to do. You know the old expression, “You tug my cock, I’ll tug yours?” It’s totally normal. Trust me. It’s not a weird thing to do at all. Why would it be weird? You’re weird for thinking it’s weird.
