With all this talk of the end of the world, I’ve had plenty of time to think about all the men things I wish I could have done before we all face inevitable doom. And, because I’m home for winter break and there is absolutely nothing to do in this godforsaken town except watch TV and get drunk, these thoughts naturally led me to wonder about all the fictional characters I’ve been spending so much time watching. This list could (and does) go on forever, but I have narrowed it down to a select few. If there were a party large enough to contain all the sexy characters ever to grace our television sets, these men would be on the VIPenis list.
Noah Calhoun – The Notebook Noah is the man every girl fantasizes about, which is exactly why this same character is in every romance movie ever made. He reads poetry, plays the guitar, and writes love letters. Oh, and after his wife forgets who he is, he doesn’t run off and fuck anything with legs. No, he stays and reads their love story to her every day hoping that she’ll remember who he is, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Oh, I almost forgot, his character is played by Ryan Gosling, a man so hot he comes with his own warning label: May Cause Female Frustration.
Ron Swanson – Parks and Recreation I’ve literally made a list of all the reasons I would fuck this man, the most important of which are that he’s good at wood working (pun intended) and that he loves bacon more than I do. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I would love nothing more than to eat some delicious meat off of this man’s man meat.
Aragorn - Lord of the Rings Anyone who says Legolas is the hottest man in the fellowship is lying to themselves. I don’t want a man who takes longer to style his hair than I do. Aragorn, however, is both sexy and manly. He’s a scholar, a poet, a warrior, and a king. I can only imagine how great of a lover he would be…that Arwen is one lucky bitch…
Han Solo – Star Wars Han is just a regular guy, and yet he manages to hold his own in a galaxy full of crazy motherfuckers with lightsabers who can move star fighters with their minds. Not only does he manage to save Luke’s life with just a blaster and some badass piloting skills, but he also manages to get literally the only fucking girl in the entire fucking galaxy. And then he acts like it’s no big deal. When Leia finally admits her love to him before he’s frozen in carbonite, his only reaction is a sexy smile and a sly “I know.” Did you hear that? Oh wait, it’s just my pants flying across the room.
Simba - The Lion King I know what you’re thinking. “Simba? But he’s a fucking LION! There are plenty of fuckable Disney princes that are actually men. Eric from The Little Mermaid is definitely a catch. Hercules is basically sex on legs. Even the underage Peter Pan would be less creepy.” I’m telling you now, you couldn’t be more wrong. Besides the whole four legs and furry thing (and I know some pretty furry men, cough cough, Packingham), Simba is literally the definition of a hottie: long brown hair, chiseled jawline, deep brown eyes, and broad shoulders. Yum. And while we’re on the subject, Mufasa is definitely at the top of my DILF list. Just imagine how yolked he has to be to climb the canyon wall during the wildebeest stampede. I’m getting hot just thinking about it.
