WASHINGTON- National Rifle Association Vice President Wayne LaPierre announced at a Friday morning press conference that the organization would begin pushing for venomous snakes in every school in America in the wake of a series of mass shootings.
“The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a Philippine Cobra roaming the halls of an elementary school unchecked,” LaPierre said. LaPierre explained that in every shooting ever, if there had just been a venomous snake in the area no one would have died.
“I call on Congress today to act immediately, to appropriate whatever funds are necessary to put highly deadly snakes in every school — and to do it now, to make sure that blanket of snakes is in place when our children return to school in January,” he said.
When addressing the political viability of his plan, LaPierre suggested that the organization would immediately begin funding a much-anticipated sequel to 'Snakes On A Plane.'
"We believe that 'Snakes In The Classroom' will portray to the American public the absolutely vital role that poisonous snakes play in keeping our children safe," he said. "And I mean really, any excuse to get Samuel L. Jackson on the big screen, amirite?"
LaPierre began his press conference by calling for an inclusive conversation about preventing gun violence, before informing reporters that they would be shot on the spot if they attempted to ask any questions.
His statement was also interrupted twice as the House GOP caucus attempted to all simultaneously perform oral sex on him. Despite the interruptions, LaPierre stayed on message.
“The only way — the only way — to stop a monster from killing our kids is to be personally involved and invested in putting real monsters, capable of killing hundreds with just their teeth, in our children’s classroom,” he said.