What Your Favorite (Cheap, Shitty) Beer Says About You
It’s that magical time of the year again in Evanston: early March. Nobody has seen the sun in three months, finals are rapidly approaching as all of your friends at other schools gear up for spring break, and it’s so cold that Morty has moved his office to the steam tunnels.
What differentiates March from the rest of winter quarter, you may ask? Baseless hope that spring is right around the corner. Kinda like that scene in Batman where Bane is all like “Yo, this prison is the fucking TITS because being able to see the sun makes bitches go CRAZY.”
So, odds are you’re drinking fairly heavily.
As your liver reaches critical cirrhosis levels, it may be helpful to make sure you’re getting the most out of your drinking experience. By “drinking experience” what I mean is “I have $10 and a used condom in my pocket. What should I buy?”
It’s all about personality, and you want the rest of the world to know exactly what kind of intolerable douchebag you are. Finding the right beer for you is key. To help you on this journey for enlightenment, a list:
Natty Light You’re a big fan of the words “bro, lax, chill” and the phrase “yo, let’s crush box.” If you look in your closet, you will find that you own at minimum 14 different pinnies and only one thing with sleeves. It is a tuxedo t-shirt. If you’d like the world to know that you take beer pong really fucking seriously, this is a great place to start.
Busch Light WOULD YOU LIKE SOME BEER WITH YOUR WATER? NO. YOU WOULDN’T. BECAUSE YOU’RE DRINKING BUSCH LIGHT.
Pabst Blue Ribbon There are really two alternatives here. One: you don’t have taste buds, at which point you really can’t be blamed for drinking PBR. Two: you have the shittiest taste of everyone you’ve ever met. Your favorite movie is probably Gigli. You think shag carpeting is fairly legitmate option in the world of home decoration, and you’ve been growing muttonchops for the past 5 months. Nobody has ever heard of your favorite band.
Coors Light Nobody fucking drinks Coors Light. Stop fucking drinking Coors Light.
Keystone Light You’re really more of a mix-drink/shots kind of person, but it’s 11:30 and the frat party you’re at has run out of Bacardi and plastic-bottle tequila. So naturally, you’re looking for the substance in the room that most closely resembles water. After giving serious thought to the jar of hand-sanitizer on the back shelf, you give in and grab a warm keystone. As you drink, you notice that it has no flavor, feeling or interesting qualities. Kind of like your life. Keystone is a metaphor for your life.
Bud Light You passionately want your friends to think you’re classy, and so you spend an extra $4 on a case for approximately a 10¢ difference in taste. However, you’re also probably over 21. Unfortunately you’re still a senior in high school. Get a job.
Miller Light This one time you saw a commercial on TV where all these beautiful people were smiling, and you thought to yourself, “Man, look at those guys! They’re having so much fun! Must be the beer they’re drinking! I’m going to start drinking Miller Light so I can be like them!” You’re reading this article, so it didn’t work, and now you spend most of your free time alone at Nevin’s talking to Norris Cat Lady and the homeless man in front of CVS.
Natty Ice You would literally drink cat piss if it contained 9% alcohol. Chances are this has happened by mistake once or twice.
312 “Yeah, I know a lot about beer. Look what I’m drinking. Look at it. It’s a called a craft beer. I think it comes from Europe. Germany, yeah. It’s a German-lager. I don’t drink American lagers because I like to my beer to have good taste.”