Selena Gomez arrives on campus; lives are ruined
EVANSTON -- According to several poorly worded texts from friends, Selena Gomez visited campus on Monday. She was spotted at Hinman dining hall eating a minuscule slice of pizza, conversing with the grill lady, and Instagramming the salad bar.
One student who was eager to be interviewed, Chester Hanks, decided to skip class in order to meet Gomez. “She’s my dream girl. I figured if I met her and threw down some of my sick verses, she’d want to star in my next incredibly creative music video,” said Hanks.
Reporters were unable to reach #Kinetik for a statement on Chester’s up-and-coming hit, titled “Which One of You Peasants Stole My iPad.”
However, Hanks’ professor felt his skipping class was an irreversible smear on his perfect attendance record. Said the professor teaching the class: “If there was ever a time or place to skip class and do something spontaneous, college is NOT it.”
Hanks said he was “devastated” when Gomez turned him down, citing the little known fact that his abdominal muscles are photoshopped.
The theater department has proven to be surprisingly apathetic about the actress’ sighting, as they are about most things. However, Jones Residential College took matters seriously.
Donning dark-haired wigs, carrying wands, and singing “Love You Like a Love Song,” they trailed Gomez throughout campus, begging her to attend their bi-weekly Wizards of Waverly Place-themed munchies. Unfortunately, Gomez had to politely decline due to an extreme headache caused by her knit beanie.
The members of a popular on-campus fraternity said that Gomez was “totally bangable” and they would “definitely be able to bag that piece of ass.” One student has already posted a YouTube video stating that if Gomez doesn’t attend Northwestern, he will switch into the School of Communication and completely ruin his future.
Whether or not Gomez will enroll in NU is still up in the air, but it left people wondering: “Will Selena be here for Dillo? Where can I get some molly?”