Student Kidnapped by A Cappella Group Still Missing 36 Hours Later
Evanston, IL - Northwestern student Joey Katz was reported missing on Tuesday after he was allegedly kidnapped from Willard Residential College at 4:02 AM Monday morning. Authorities currently believe the kidnappers to be the popular on campus A Cappella group the “Mazel Tones.”
“I thought to myself, these kids are too loud to be dangerous,” said Willard security guard Dave Watiker, “But I guess ‘silent but deadly’ isn’t always the case.” The group of young men then quickly located Katz’s room, where he was forcefully taken in front of his roommate, Alex Minster.
“I actually also applied to the Tones, but I guess they didn’t want me,” said Minster, “It just seemed a bit rude to chloroform him right in front of me, it was like I wasn’t even there.”
This disappearance follows a spree of annoyingly self-indulgent kidnappings of in-your-face quirky students all across south campus. The last abduction of this size and obnoxiousness level was The Taking of the Freshmen Board Representatives back in 2014. From Allison to Willard, it seems nowhere is safe.
If you see a group of hyper-aggressive lanky men wearing suede shoes and singing excessively loudly in public spaces on south campus, Evanston PD encourages you to reach them at 555-9876. Be safe out there, folks.
Sherman Ave won't kidnap you, but we will pressure you to cut off ties with your family, friends, and all those we deem to be suppressive persons until Sherman Ave is all you know, and it is all you have ever known. APPLY!