Simon Visits The Year 1843 in Architecture

I hit ‘random article’ on Wikipedia and then rant about whatever I see. This week: the year 1843 in architecture. Architects are assholes. My evidence for this comes entirely from literary characters (e.g. Howard Roark) and television characters (e.g. Ted Mosby). Mosby's a real cunt because he started telling his kids how he met their mother one night and has kept going for like seven years. The only thing my dad and I have done together for seven years is be mutually disappointed in me. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know before you become deeply invested in my really well-thought out critique of this Wikipedia page that I think that architects are assholes so you know to take what I say with several grains of salt.

According to Wikipedia there were two things built in 1843. One was the Thames Tunnel in London. The other was Nelson's Column, also in London. Are you fucking kidding me? British people built the only things in 1843? Do you know what the only notable contribution the entire of the British Isles have given to the world was? It was the Oxford Comma, and they took that shit back last year because commas are for pussies.

This fucking page also claims that the Grand Prix de Rome was given to (unknown). Now my historical knowledge is not foolproof, but I'm pretty sure there were no fuckheads calling themselves (unknown) or (anonymous) or (I'magiantfuckingtwat) in 1843 but on the off chance that I'm wrong let me just inform you that "Grand Prix" is a French expression and so if it really was a fucking Roman prize it would be called "Il Gran Premio di Roma" or some shit like that. The point is that why would you even tell us if the prize was given out? Presumably it's given out every year so just bite the fucking bullet and admit you don't know shit about architecture in 1843 Wikipedia and just leave the fucking page blank.

The only other thing the page tells you is that some douche named Robert S. Roeschlaub was born. Let me tell you something about Bob Roeschlaub. He built an opera house in Central City, Colorado. That's the equivalent of me putting an origami swan on top of a shit I just took and trying to pass that off as a cultural center in the Midwest. Oh wait. People would actually come to see my swan but nobody in fucking Colorado is going to leave their houses to see an opera house.

I just don't get why Wikipedia puts up shit like this. Nobody ever thinks to themselves "What happened in the architecture world in 1843?" The only people who would think that are the kind of intellectual pricks who already know pointless shit like that. Seriously. This is the subject that one kid wrote an essay on once and so at every fucking party or even when he's on the bus he'll try to bring this pointless shit up. Nobody gives a fuck about it but that doesn't deter him.

Also, it's pretty fucking sparse. There are literally five facts on the page. I could tell you six fucking facts about architecture and I'm not some crowd-sourced international encyclopedia.

You have to be able to admit when you're wrong and when you have no idea what's up.

You can't spend your whole life trying to pass off looking like you know what's good when you're out of your element entirely. If you're a fuckhead then one day you'll be able to find a Ms. Fuckhead who might've been kicked in the face for being such a fuckhead so she'll agree to become your Mrs. Fuckhead and then you can have dumbfuck fuckhead twatmouthed kids. But seriously, just put those little fuckheads on a rocket ship with whatever asshole wrote this page and send it into the sun because all they're doing is tainting the gene pool.

-Simon K Simon is also the genius behind the blog “Some Children Left Behind,” a resplendent collection of literature and poetry.