Sherman Ave How-To: Win a Poop-Off
We’ve all been there. You’re in a public bathroom be it your dorm, the library, or a restaurant. You have to do your business (number 2). But there’s one problem. Someone is in the bathroom with you. Here are some tips to win your next poop stand-off.
- Wait it out
Sometimes the person is just impatient and has to leave quickly. If they didn’t see your face thus not being able to identify you when recounting the tale to friends, you’re golden. If you’ve got the time, just wait till the bathroom is empty.
- Make strange noises Back-up plan is to MAKE. STRANGE. NOISES. I’m talking oinks, huuuuhs, moans, meeps, blechs, whatever it fucking takes. This is survival of the fittest motherfuckers. Only the strong get to poop while the weak are eliminated shamefully, left to live with that pre-poop feeling.
- Watch The Godfather. “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” Yeah, to get the fuck out of the bathroom so the real man/woman can take a dump.
- Blackmail them
Stick your phone under the stall and take a picture of them. They don’t know who you are. Tell them if they don’t leave you’ll post it on Facebook with an eloquently written paragraph about their explosive diarrhea. Be ruthless. Playing fair gets you nowhere.
- Make it clear you are dangerous Hold a stick of dynamite under the stall. Light it if necessary.
If poop jokes are your thing and you won't compromise on that position then you're perfect for Sherman Ave! APPLY!