Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Illegal Street Gambling
Going to college can be a big transition for people. For some, this is the first time they have ever been away from their house, while for others it’s the first time they have ever had to feed themselves. My point is, it can be hard to leave home and delve into a new place for the first time without even a helicopter parent to make sure you are home at around 6 pm every day to eat that sweet casserole they baked up for you.
Luckily, college is home to a wide variety of extracurriculars that can help even the most homesick of freshman turn from homesick narc, into coolest college student on campus. And the best way to make that transition?
Illegal street gambling.
That’s right. Only the coolest kids on the block partake in the shot of mountain dew like euphoria known as illegal street gambling, and lucky for you, you have come across a guide to help you become one of the highest rollers on the college town streets. Here are some tips and tricks so that you can be just like Kenny Rodgers and play your cards right.
1. Don’t be afraid to assert your dominance early.
When you catch your eye on some cool cats rolling dice in the street, don’t be afraid to walk right up to them, pull down your pants, and show them who’s boss. Doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, there is nothing more threatening and more dominance asserting than someone whose pants are around their ankles and letting the world know it.
2. Wear an eye patch
Eyepatch? Badass! Especially with something cool stitched into it like “Mom” or “I’m wearing an eye patch, so what, punk?”. Just make sure that it’s genuine leather. No street hustler gets respect from an eyepatch made of suede.
3. Bring Funyuns
Gamblers love Funyuns.
4. Talk about how much money your daddy makes
You probably already do it anyways, so don’t be afraid to make sure that your gambling friends know too. In fact, people love it when you talk about how much money your daddy makes, so just do it as much as possible.
5. Come up with a cool slogan
Every cool street gambler in college has an even cooler slogan to up your game. It can range anything from “luck be a lady” to “these dice are eyeballs, let’s see into the future!,” or even “BADABADABING.”
6. Stop being a narc
Just stop. Seriously.
7. Throw up everywhere
You know how dogs mark their territory by peeing? Well here is a fun little science factoid: humans do it by letting it spew. Once you let the stomach juice loose, everyone will know that this person is here to play for keeps.
Once you have all these down, making that street cash will be second nature because you will be known as the baddest dude/dudette on the streets.