I Know a Good Cup of Water When I Smell One
By Walter Barnes, Water Aficionado
If you want to be interesting, you get a hobby. It gives you something to talk about. It’s a conversation starter, an attention grabber. Some people collect things—coins, stamps, cars—you name it. Some people play sports. Some people paint or draw. Me? Well, I like to think I have one of the best hobbies of all.
I’m a water connoisseur.
A tap taster.
An aqua aesthete.
After a long day down at the office, nothing makes me happier than a nice cold glass of Brita. Mmm, I can picture it now: the crystal clear chalice sitting atop my topaz tablecloth, filled to the brim with ice-cold delight. Three ice cubes, no fewer, no more. I wrap my fingers around the cup, barely able to contain my excitement. The glass touches my lips; a tingling surge of euphoria shoots down my spine. “I’m ready,” I whisper, moments before I tip my head back and imbibe my first mouthful.
I’ve made a bit of a name for myself in the world of water fanatics. I invented the popular “Barnes method” of sampling water taste by smelling it rather than performing the wasteful “sip method.” Does your water have a musty smell to it? That’s some fresh C-Town tap you got right there. What about a metallic aroma? That’s London’s signature faucet water. How about a floral fragrance? I hope you like warm weather and beautiful beaches, because you’re drinking some Honolulu H2O. Enjoy that Hawaiian tap, by the way: it’s some of the best in the world.
What’s my favorite brand of bottled water? Poland Spring, no question. Dasani’s pretty good, too, but there’s just a pinch too much magnesium sulfate for me. I know it’s not “in-style” to be into macro-waters, but I haven’t really found any craft springs that have really hit it out of the park.
On that note, I really don’t understand the craft spring movement altogether. So many macro springs have been practicing their craft for so long and have so many years of experience under their belts. Meanwhile, Mr. Craft Spring over here thinks he can just waltz in out of nowhere, throw way too much potassium chloride into his water, and call it “artisanal” before being in the business for even five years? Vomitous.
Nevertheless, I’m no snob when it comes to water. All water, filtered or unfiltered, bottled or tap, fresh or salt, craft or macro, is worthy of my attention. Anyone who treats a water differently simply because of its purity, additives, or salinity should be ashamed of themselves. The world would be a better place if everyone embraced all forms of water.
None of that carbonated shit, though.
‘stuff’s a disgrace.
