Ghost Loses Self-Esteem after Haunting Halloween Frat Party
Oxford, OH- Oozing white goo fell from the walls this week as Kappa Epsilon Gamme hosted their annual “Beeroween Rager”, a local party where college kids gathered from all over to harmlessly celebrate this year’s corn yield. Little did the unsuspecting fraternity members know that this venue would be getting a little spookier and a whole lot sadder this Halloween, as the bloody ghost of 22-year old Mary Jenkins, the girl killed and buried beneath the very annals of the Kappa Epsilon Gamme house, came to brutally stab all those that desecrated her resting place. What would have been harmless bloodshed for the party goers soon turned into hurtful misery for the ghost after she was kicked out of the party for being, as local fraternity brother Ron “Beer Chuggy” Jamison put it, “hella pale.”
Jenkins reportedly entered the house with a bloody, ghostly scythe raised forth to collect the souls of the living and the happy Halloween spirit, only to be bombarded by attacks on her looks. One girl from Delta Rho called her a “fucking grandma” for looking very old while Jenkins ripped the spleen from her limp body. Kappa Epsilon Gamma’s treasurer called her a prude when she refused to have sex with him after cutting off both his legs and hanging them from the rafters. When the fraternity’s President asked her who she knew there, her only response was “I know the agony set forth upon this house by my killer,” after which she was immediately kicked out.
Late party goers reported seeing Jenkins sitting on the lawn of the fraternity house crying. “All I wanted to do was enforce the edicts of hell upon those that commence ruin to my place of eternal damnation,” Jenkins said “but apparently I’m too ugly to enforce damnation upon anyone, it’s like these people saw right through me…” It is truly a sad day when a regular ghost of a woman who wishes revenge upon mankind cannot even slay the masses without hearing comments on how she looks. Any ghost, man or woman, should have the ability to invoke a deadly massacre without constantly being judged on her spectral vestments, but it seems like the world is not quite ready for that yet. Looks like the only shrieks that coming from the Kappa Epsilon Gamma house this Halloween, is the crying of yet another really sad ghost put back in her resting place by the Greek system.