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Here’s Everyone Else Who Will Die This Year

Here’s Everyone Else Who Will Die This Year

It seems like 2016 has brought more than its fare share of grief. David Bowie, Garry Shandling, Alan Rickman — and most recently the iconic comedian and actor Gene Wilder — have all passed away this year, making 2016 one of the most celebrity-death heavy years in recent memory. Although there’s only a few months left in the year of the monkey, we thought we’d compile a definitive list of every other celebrity who won’t make it to 2017.

Hayley Williams: The Paramore lead singer may have a serious set of pipes and a knack for acting, but one thing she doesn’t have is an immunity to “Double Anthrax”, a rare strain of the bacterial illness that will surface later this November.

Paul Rudd: A master of both comedy and drama, he will prove to be no match for the ghost of wrestler Fabulous Moolah, when the two take to the ring this October in the Pay-Per-View event of fall season

At Least Not Prince: Just to liven it up, Prince is not dead or going to die this year. I mean if Prince died, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’d probably move back in with my parents, or Into The Wild it and end up dead in a bus. So, don’t worry, Prince is going to be just fine.

Lorne Michaels: Why must you be so cruel, 2016?! The Saturday Night Live creator and show runner will pass this year after a long, secret battle with Erik The Red, one of Greenland’s most savage viking warriors.

The 6th Beatle: We were all shocked by the death of English record producer George Martin, whom many called “The 5th Beatle”, but the world will be even more surprised by the passing of Winston Reinhardt, the so-called “6th Beatle”, who was responsible for the legendary pop group’s “mustache era”.

Not Prince Right?: I mean I don’t pay attention to the news that much, but I feel like I would’ve known if Prince died. I mean it’s fucking Prince, like…we would’ve gotten one of those iPhone emergency alerts or something. It’s fine. He’s fine.

Stephen Curry: Although the Golden State Warriors are having one of the best seasons the franchise has ever experienced, their star player will soon meet his demise when Satan rises and reveals that Curry’s extraordinary shooting ability is the result of Faustian deal struck between the two 25 years ago, and now Curry must hold up his end of the bargain, descending to the depths of Hell for the next 1000 years.

 Wait Is Prince Dead?: I’m worried now. Has anyone seen him recently? There’s no tour dates on his website but he does a lot of secret shows that aren’t announced — has anybody seen Prince recently? If you do could you just check his pulse or something real quick? Does anyone have the contact info for his cardiologist?

Elon Musk: He’s been called the real life Tony Stark, but soon he will be called “the man who died of back-to-back ingrown toenails”.

Nancy Pelosi: While fil-a-bustering a controversial education bill, the Democratic Congresswoman will accidentally wander into personal territory, confessing that she framed Stephen Avery for the murders portrayed in Netflix’s “Making a Murderer”, and will die 6 months later in a Washington D.C. penitentiary.

PRINCE IS DEAD: PRINCE IS DEAD. PRINCE, THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE, AND THE SYMBOL THAT LOOKS LIKE A FEMALE GENDER SIGN PLAYING THE TRUMPET ARE ALL DEAD. HE IS PASSED.

So there you have it, everyone else who is going to die this year. That’s a lot of precious people gone from the world, people whom we consider some of the best and brightest we have to offer. And I would trade all of them for just one more day with Prince. Not even for a day hanging out with Prince, just another day where I know Prince is out there, somewhere, inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide — just living.

 

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