Fiske: Evanston "Too Bright" At Night
EVANSTON -- First Ward Alderman Judy Fiske released a statement earlier this morning claiming that the streets of Evanston adjacent to Northwestern University's campus are just "way too bright at night."
The statement, which was released by Alderman Fiske from the desk of her retail pet supply store Fit + Frisky! just prior to Fiske phoning the police to report a pair of undergraduates exiting EV1 and sneaking a case of High Life into a backpack, lambasted the Associated Student Government's recent effort to increase off-campus lighting.
"While the ASG-led initiative is an admirable effort to increase community safety, increased lighting on campus would further exacerbate the current aggravatingly-high levels of lighting at night," read Fiske's statement. "I mean, I know students are getting mugged, but is it really fair to make Evanston residents have to go through the ordeal of actually witnessing an armed robbery?"
"I work to represent my constituents. And my constituents are hard-working Evanston residents who seem to want nothing more than to pretend not to live near a college campus," added Fiske, stitching a scarlet 'A' onto an unidentified student captured late last night in a raid on Cozy noodles. "Maybe if they can't see at night, these residents can further ignore the reality of living in the immediate vicinity of 8,000 students. If enforcing puritanical standards at the expense of community safety is what these voters want, then I will stop at nothing to protect their interests."
According to staffers within the Alderman's office, Fiske's statement came in response to a recent memo released by the Northwestern Undergraduate Budget Priorities Committee calling for increased lighting at 1st Ward locations including the western sidewalk of Sheridan Road, the intersection of Foster and Sherman, and the southwest corner of Sherman and Noyes in an attempt to reduce the 2,324 reported crimes in Evanston in 2011.
"I mean, for the love of God," continued Fiske's statement. "What's more important: me working to keep my residents up at night with lighting that allows them to witness yet another iPhone theft, or ensuring that not one more 20-year-old ends up at The Keg?"
Although as of press time Fiske's challenger Ed Tivador had not issued a public reply, an unidentified source close to the Tivador campaign assured Sherman Ave that the Northbrook/Glenview Superintendent was hard at work crafting a completely reasonable, articulate, and constructive reply.