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Phil Jackson Announces Intent Not To Coach Northwestern

Phil Jackson Announces Intent Not To Coach Northwestern

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"Do not want." - Phil Jackson EVANSTON- Phil Jackson issued a statement Thursday night saying “in the strongest possible terms” that the legendary former Chicago Bulls and Los Angeles Lakers coach has “absolutely no interest” in becoming Northwestern’s next men’s basketball coach.

The move comes amid speculation that current head coach Bill Carmody will be fired following a 13-19 season.

“To all those who have called, tweeted, written, shouted, pounded on my door in the middle of the night, sent notes on rocks through my window, or burned ‘#B1GCATS’ into my lawn to encourage me to coach Northwestern, I just want to say this: Eat all of the shit you can find. Then die,” the Zen Master said in the statement.

Jackson was reportedly at the top of NU Athletic Director Jim Phillips’ shortlist for potential coaching candidates and Phillips confirmed a week into the 2012-2013 season that he would begin bribing Jackson’s friends to namedrop NU in their conversations with him. A few weeks after this, he reportedly began doubling pay for those who mentioned Northwestern without saying “fuck-saw” or “soul-draining.”

The statement was highly unusual for the generally calm coach, with Jackson using the phrase “I would rather eat my own testicles” on six occasions.

“There are a lot of things I would never want to do,” Jackson wrote. “Bathing in acid, for instance. Or asking Lena Dunham about what her favorite 15 minutes in The Vagina Monologues is. Coaching at Northwestern is another one of those things.”

Attempts to reach Jackson for additional comment were unsuccessful, but a private number did text us “8===>~~~ NU” after we called Jackson’s cell phone.

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