Fill-in-the-blank Cover Letter

After years of taking worthless classes like Sociology of Organizations, many of us are close to the end of our time at college. As seniors, we’re all clamoring for a select number of jobs. It’s hard. It’s REALLY hard. Almost as hard as trying to get through an entire episode of New Girl without rolling your eyes or screaming that the joke about Jay Cutler was neither timely nor accurate.

Thankfully for you, I’m here to make at least one aspect of your hunt easier. What follows is my recommendation for the cover letter you should send to your dream company, and while it’s largely fill-in-the-blank, I’ve also included my own answers because I love bragging.

To whom it may concern:

I’m very (read: supercalifragilisticexpialidociously) (did you notice that I turned supercalifragilisticexpialidocious into an adverb? Did you like it?) excited to be applying for the position of _____________ at _____________ [my responses: reporter at Entertainment Weekly, BuzzFeed, Gawker, or anywhere but Sherman Ave]. My experience and interest (and excitement! Can’t you sense my excitement!?) make me the ideal candidate, and I look forward to potentially moving forward in the interview process.

I am graduating from _____ University with a major in __________ [my response: journalism] at the end of March. I hope you’re impressed by my ability to graduate early, as it has taken a lot of extra effort on my part, and was motivated entirely by my efforts to earn a position at your company (this is not merely an attempt to appeal to you; this is a fact). I’ve interned (read: labored intensively with zero pay) in this industry for years, and while I feel that my time at __________ [my responses: Playboy, Discovery Channel, and CBS] was integral to my growth as a human being and a hard worker, I’m ready to begin making my way in the professional world. I feel that my organizational skills (I’ve even color-coded my iCal!) and knowledge of the industry (how many other applicants do you have who can effectively explain the difference between sound editing and sound mixing??) would contribute to the efficiency and quality of your work environment.

As previously mentioned, I’ve spent years working in the _________ industry [my response: entertainment], so you can rest assured that I’m qualified (more qualified than John or Jane Doe, who may have had similar internships but DEFINITELY don’t bring all the other great qualities to the workforce like I do, such as ___________ [my response: being able to reference Mean Girls and 30 Rock on command and wearing fun hats indoors]). It is also important for me to point out why I feel so passionately about this company. ____________ [my response: Entertainment Weekly, BuzzFeed, or Gawker] is without a doubt my preferred ___________ [my response: entertainment website] because I’m deeply moved by the dedication and intelligence you display in all your output (you’re really great. You’re just SO great, and I want you to know that I’d rather work for you than go on an all-expenses paid trip to Europe during which I’d get to meet Kate Middleton and Christoph Waltz).

In summation, I feel strongly that I would contribute positively to your company (admit it: you feel the same way after the end of this cover letter, don’t you?), and I know that this is the company I’ve been aiming to work for my entire life. I look forward to reviewing your job offer so that we can discuss my terms of payment and benefits package.

Best,

__________________ [Stamatina Spaceman]