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Crazed Murderer Relieved That You Didn’t Check Behind Shower Curtain

(via Elite Linens) After a recent trip to the bathroom where you neglected to check behind the shower curtains because for once you decided not to let paranoia control you, the crazed murderer who has spent hours hiding out in your shower stall breathed a sigh of relief.

“For a moment, I thought you were going to whip open the curtains to check for me,” crazed murderer Joseph Walter Harris said as he cradled a picture of you with the eyes scratched out. “That’s what most people do, after all. It’s an instinct for a reason.” Had you discovered Harris in his hiding place, it would have put a major damper in his plans to sneak into your room in the middle of the night, the door creaking slightly, and give you quite an awakening with his heavy, mouthy breathing. Plus, he totally spooks easily and you might have just given him a heart attack.

While Harris is glad to wait behind the curtains until you are fast asleep, next time he breaks into your home he isn’t taking any chances. “I’ve really got to up my hiding game if I’m ever going to get enough human flesh to make that flesh coat I’ve been dying to own,” Harris said as he revved his chainsaw. “From now on, I’ll probably just hide in the same place as that spider you lost track of.”

Forget Disney's "Frozen"; Watch "Foodfight!"

Forget Disney's "Frozen"; Watch "Foodfight!"

REPORT: You are a Complete and Utter Failure