ASG Senators Resort to Throwing Feces
EVANSTON - Sources report that today's Associated Student Government senate meeting quickly devolved into the use of human excrement as a projectile.
The meeting, called to order at 3:30pm, was scheduled with the intent of nominating three more candidates to fill the three cabinet positions that senators blocked from appointment last week. However, shortly after opening statements were made, a senator was struck in the face by a steamy and especially corny pile of feces, resulting in a counterattack and ultimately open fecal warfare.
"I was just standing up, talking about the importance of diversity and stuff like that," said the senator, who wished to remain anonymous for fairly understandable reasons. "Then: BAM! Deuce to the cranium."
"The worst part was, I could tell he had eaten pizza in Hinman and not Allison yesterday," he added.
A female senator, who also wished to remain anonymous, described the series of events that proceeded after the initial shit-flinging.
"After he got nailed in the skull by a surprisingly accurate turd-lob, he just stood there for a second, completely shellshocked," she recalls. "Or maybe I should say, shit-shocked, am I right?"
"Anyway, once he realized that yes, he did just have a human poo patty launched into the side of his face, he promptly reached into the back of his pants, made a very concentrated face, and just like that he had created his own ammunition. He threw it at the guy who attacked him and hit him right in the eye."
After these two fecal exchanges occurred, no fewer than 11 ASG senators procured ass-logs of their own. Eyewitness accounts describe the series of volleys as a "free-for-all," with one even going so far as to describe it as a "merry-go-brown."
Six ASG senators have been checked into the Evanston North Shore Hospital.