Yes, I saw Anna Karenina for free a day in advance of the US release. Shit was awesome and it was all thanks to some poor marketing intern that probably thought we were a serious publication. LOLZ AMIRITE? We waited in line (skipped by some bitches that recognized each other, but whatevs) and grabbed our seats after paying an enormous amount of money for a pittance of popcorn. Some rows were “reserved” for some “real critics” or some other bullshit, so we sat way in the back.
The advantage was being able to watch all the people the aforementioned marketing intern contacted. Sitting to my left was a couple (I didn’t bother asking what they did to get the passes) that continuously complained about the no-phone policy in the theatre. Last time I checked, if some taint-strudel was trying to call their mom and tell them this movie was so fucking great, I would take their plastic nachos and shove it up some available orifice.
To my right were a couple of graduate students from DePaul that worked in the center of student involvement on campus. Apparently people at DePaul don’t know how to share and didn’t give it to the students that had the disposable income like they were supposed to. Bitches.
So let’s talk about the movie.
THIS SHIT WAS FUCKING INCREDIBLE. YOU COULD MEASURE THE BAD-ASSERY OF THIS MOVIE BY THE SHEER AMOUNT OF FACIAL HAIR. THERE WERE MOUSTACHES AND MUTTON CHOPS AND BEARDS AND GOATEES AND PEDO-STACHES AND THOSE WEIRD SIDEBURN-MOUSTACHE THINGS THAT GO FROM EAR TO EAR ACROSS YOUR LIP.
YOU COULD MEASURE THE DELICIOUS FUCKERY THAT WAS ANNA KARENINA VIA THE INCREDIBLE FRAMEWORK AROUND THE THEATRE WHERE SCENES WERE VERY META WHICH IS HIPSTER AND TOTALLY IN RIGHT NOW, BUT NOT MAINSTREAM SO THAT WAS FUCKING COOL, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW I WANT TO BE A HIPSTER JEWISH AXO GIRL. BEAUTIFUL. STUNNING. ARTISTIC. MAGNIFICENT. JIZZ-WORTHY.
YOU COULD MEASURE THE ORGASMIC QUALITIES OF THIS MOVIE BY THE AMOUNT OF SUSPENSEFUL HEART ATTACKS I HAD. JUST SO YOU KNOW, I HAVE A DEFECTIVE AV NODE, SO I ACTUALLY DID HAVE HEART PALPITATIONS. THAT WAS COOL. IT WAS LIKE I CHUGGED A GALLON OF CAFFEINE AND THEN WATCHED PUPPIES BEING MAIMED AND JUSTIN AND SELENA BREAKING UP RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. WHERE WAS THE LOVE? WHERE WAS THE MAGIC? TORTURE. SO MUCH TORTURE. I LOVED IT.
JUST GO SEE IT. MY CAPS KEY IS BROKEN NOW. I’M SORRY. I MEANT TO TURN IT OFF AT SOME POINT BUT OH WELL. EMOTIONS. FEELS. ASDFGHJKLSDFGHJKLASDFGHJKL