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A Very Brief Guide to the Oscars: Best Actor Category

A Very Brief Guide to the Oscars: Best Actor Category

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Fucking JACKSON gets on the twenty and all I get is the five dollar bill!? Part 2 of Sherman Ave's last-minute attempt to spread misinformation on all things Oscars in order to emerge victorious in our Oscar pool.

The 2013 Academy Award category for Best Actor in a Leading Role offers four renowned actors the prestigious opportunity to lose to Daniel Day-Lewis. When the world's foremost statistical witchdoctor says that DDL has about as much of a chance of losing this Oscar as Obama had of losing Vermont, Joaquin Phoenix might want to pursue other avenues for success. Maybe a rapping career? At least this takes the pressure off George Clooney to lose the Oscar for Best Actor until next year.

Anyway, the nominees to lose to the Last Mohican are:

Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook In this comedy, the self-destructive yet affable hijinks of an unstable teacher cause plenty of trouble, but all is resolved thanks to Cooper's ability to bring people together. Oh wait, that was The Hangover. I'm pretty sure 95% of Cooper's nomination was based on his ability to seal the deal with Jennifer Lawrence. If B-Coops wins, I hope he never stops fist-bumping that statuette and lording his victory over Jennifer Garner.

Why He Won't Win: The Academy's secret resentment that Cooper got to bang JLaw; Not Daniel Day-Lewis.

Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables While Jackman deserves credit for making the French temporarily look cool again, his character's penchant for aiding syphilitic Parisian whores and constant moral self-aggrandizement might be a little too real for most of the Academy. To be fair, most of my bias against Jackman is derived from a bet I made circa 2004, in which I promised to accept a punch to the gonads if Hugh Jackman ever won an Oscar for Best Actor.

Why He Won't Win: Facial hair fails to compete with Lewis' Abe Lincoln; American patriot > French revolutionary patsy; Not Daniel Day-Lewis.

Joaquin Phoenix, The Master It's never a great idea to call out the group considering whether or not to give you a trophy a bunch of bullshitters. Especially when nobody has even seen your movie. Kudos for probably pissing Tom Cruise off though.

Why He Won't Win: Too far above the heads of an Academy that once gave the Best Picture award to Crash; Not Daniel Day-Lewis.

Denzel Washington, Flight Damn, can Denzel wear aviators or what? Only Denzel could make flying a plane while dealing with severe substance abuse issues look that easy while single-handedly ensuring I'll never feel safe on a plane ever again. But godDAMN those aviators look so boss.

Why He Won't Win: Not acting in Training Day; Not Daniel Day-Lewis.

Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln DDL's been drinking the Academy's milkshake ever since My Left Foot. Expect Lewis' devotion to method acting to compel him to maintain character as Abe Lincoln during his acceptance speech, using the speech as a call for national fraternalism and backpay for his royalty rights to Lincoln Logs.

Why He'll Win: He's Daniel Motherfucking Day-Lewis.

A Very Brief Guide to the Oscars: Best Actress Category

A Very Brief Guide to the Oscars: Best Actress Category

A Very Brief Guide to the Oscars: Best Picture

A Very Brief Guide to the Oscars: Best Picture