1. Original title: The Gettysburg Address – Abraham Lincoln, 1863
Why it sucks: If I had to guess the content of this speech based solely on the title, I’d assume Abraham Lincoln gave a reading of the Gettysburg, PA phonebook.
New title: 5 Things Only Four Score and Seven Years Ago Kids Remember
Why it works: Nostalgia.
2. Original title: Women’s Rights to Suffrage – Susan B. Anthony, 1873
Why it sucks: For an article with “women” in the title, this speech sounds surprisingly unsexy.
New title: She Wants Women to Do What?
Why it works: Even though Susan B. Anthony just wants women to vote, the reader doesn’t have to know that until they click the link. Does she want women to go topless? Make out with each other? With this title, the sexy possibilities (and the link clicks) are endless.
3. Original title: Inaugural Address – John F. Kennedy, 1961
Why it sucks: Zero personality. There’s no promise of a list, gifs, or any urgency for this article. 0/10 would not click.
New title: JFK: What he can do for you ;)
Why it works: Face it, JFK was a total PILF. Cash in on that sex appeal.
4. Original title: We Shall Fight on the Beaches –Winston Churchill, 1940
Why it sucks: This is actually pretty good, but something about it seems a bit too posh.
New title: WE SHALL FIGHT ON THE BEACHES
Why it works: All caps? Now we’re talking badass WWE Raw smack down. I bet this article includes a video. Awesome.
5. Original title: Ain’t I a Woman? – Sojourner Truth, 1851
Why it sucks: I mean, aside from the use of ain’t, this isn’t terrible, but we can do better.
New title: What sort of woman are you?
Why it works: Is this a quiz?! Bitches love quizzes.
6. Original title: I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King, Jr., 1963
Why it sucks: Everyone hates listening to other people’s boring dreams. I don’t care that you were flying or a bear was chasing you. If I’m not in it, you can bet I’m going to tune out.
New title: 12 Reasons What Celebrity From Which State Are You From In High School Only Girls Who Like Food And Jennifer Lawrence Naked Will Understand With Gifs
Why it works: Instant Internet gold. Now it’s everybody’s dream.
7. Original title: A Model of Christian Charity (City Upon a Hill) – John Winthrop, 1630
Why it sucks: The title gives away everything, so why bother clicking on the link.
New title: You’ll Never Believe Where They Built This City
Why it works: Ooh, an air of mystery! Is it the moon? Is it on rock ‘n’ roll? I hope it’s the moon. Click.
8. Original title: The 10 Commandments – God
Why it sucks: Sure, this title is authoritative and kills it with the list format, but so what? You can say you “command” something all you want, but until you back that up with a threat, I ain’t gonna listen.
New title: 10 Things to Do if You Don’t Want to Be Smote
Why it works: Whoa, if I don’t click on this link I might be smote? Now you have my attention!
