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The Top Ten Things I Miss About the Bush Administration

The Top Ten Things I Miss About the Bush Administration

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download (1)A retrospective list of the days when Bill Frist dispensed neurological diagnoses and no children were left behind. 10. The Music The songs of John Ashcroft. Songs about John Ashcroft. Have you ever been to a Dixie Chicks concert immediately following their denunciation of the Commander-in-Chief? Because I have, and I doubt I'll ever forget the experience. Or how short the lines for the men's bathroom in the United Center were.

Besides, American Idiot may have been the single worst rock opera ever created. Well, at least until Ross Packingham and I finish our magnum opus, tentatively titled 525,600 Power Trips in a Year.

9. John McCain No, not partisan/conservative/MILF-toting/O'DroopJowl McCain. I'm talking about The Maverick, The Demolisher of Pork-Barrel, The Gregarious Gang-Banger of 14, The Rugged Reformer of Campaign Finance, The Marvel of Moderation Lieutenant Commander John McCain. The dude who went on the Daily Show and called out bullshit where it warranted a calling out and who somehow survived rumors that he was both gay and had fathered an illegitimate child. In fact, I'm pretty sure being Swift-Boated before getting Swift-Boated was a thing makes McCain the Senate's original hipster.

8. Lawrence v. Texas It's always a great day when the nation can participate in an extended dialogue about sodomy.

7. Comedy The highest point of satire in the new millenium was also the ballsiest. It took comedians to step up where journalists had failed, criticizing the excesses of neo-conservatism, executive power, and inability to pronounce 'nuclear.'

I mean, have you ever tried to make a joke about the debt ceiling, the individual mandate, or Dodd-Frank? That's because these issues are just plain boring compared to a Bushism or Rove leaking the names of intelligence personel.

6. This was the worst things ever got, according to the President: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIUzLpO1kxI]

5. Evolution of English language "They misunderestimated me."

4. Unilateralism Putting one's boot up an ass never felt so good (see number 8). From now on, whenever I suspect that my roommate is secretly harboring Tostitos Hint of Lime tortilla chips so he doesn't have to share them with me, I ice him five times in 40 minutes before he goes out to dinner with his parents. It's the American way.

3. Manthraxxx Hot damn, have you seen those hotties President Bush appointed to lead this nation? I'd give up universal healthcare to take a peek under Chief Justice Roberts' robes and check out his "corporate personhood," if you know what I mean. Colin Powell? The way that man lied to me in his crisp military outfit it was like "HELLOOO Daddy issues." And don't even get me started about Rummy. He was to die for.

2. Evil During the Bush administration, we all had a pretty good idea of what constituted evil. Al Qaeda, Bin Laden, WMDs, North Korea, Iran, Iraq, French Fries, the Taliban, MSNBC, terror, and due process were all public enemies numero uno, hellbent on destroying this nation's proud way of life. Now? Welcome to Obama's America, where no such certainties exist and all we're left with is a huge-ass bill and some really fucking cool flying robots.

1. Accents Miss you, Dubya.

The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

The Oscars: A self-indulgent analysis of the movies that I think should win

The Oscars: A self-indulgent analysis of the movies that I think should win