Leader of Campus Squirrel Rebellion Speaks Out Against No Nut November

“I’ve lost so much for this war,” laments a relaxed but tired rodent smoking a miniature cigar. Today, I’m here with an exclusive on General Chippette: the Marxist revolutionary taking the Daily Northwestern’s third-page local headlines by storm. 

She is, of course, referring to the recent phenomenon where adorable innocent squirrels are starved after being denied their primary food source. Aptly dubbed “No Nut November,”  humans partake by refraining from the sweet release of their nuts.

“People always say ‘it’s just a joke’ or ‘you’re misreading things’ or ‘oh my god why is this miniature squirrel attacking me’, but us proletariats work hard for our sustenance,” she comments.

“Winter is coming.” 

Chipette’s small paws tighten. Her beady eyes radiate a crazy kind of fanatic energy - the kind of intensity you get after witnessing the brutal murder of dozens of your kind. 

Suddenly, Chipette slams her stubby miniature arms on the bark of her tree. 

“They never considered the consequences!” the one-and-a-half-foot teeny General squeaks, “so many of my brothers and sisters starved in the name of progress! I still hear their voices at night.” I’m moved: both by her commitment to her cause, and by the fact that she looks so GOSH DARN CUTE in those TINY WITTLE custom-made squirrel boots.

Chipette freezes, as we hear dude-bros sauntering in from the distance - the enemy. 

Our interview is cut short. She gives me a curt apology and, as quickly as she came, she melts back into the shadows of her red oak by University Hall, returning to her starving kids and her deadbeat husband Reginald. 

You can catch Chipette darting around campus digging through the trash bins for intel, or follow her Twitter handle @TheFurryRevolution - the unfortunately misunderstood handle which is now trending in online furry communities.