Your Comprehensive and Completely Unbiased Guide to the Emmys

If you’re anything like me, or any other person in a first world country, then you spend 90% of your preallocated social time binge-watching TV. Whether it’s through your roommate’s Netflix account that you’ve secretly been using for months (sorry Charleston Nippleberry), or maybe you’re one of those high rollers who can afford to pay for Comcast AND booze, you will make sure to get your daily fix.

The Emmys are like high school senior superlatives; everyone pretends they don’t matter, but they’re thrilled to tears when they get one (#MostLikelyToBeOnCopsClassOf2010). You could plop yourself down on the couch and watch the Emmys live, but let’s be real: ain’t nobody got time for that. Sunday nights are reserved for clearing the empty PBR cans from your apartment and trying to find creative ways to cover your new hickey before work the next day. So don’t bother DVRing it, you can find the condensed version of the probable outcomes below.

Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Probable winner: Robin Wright as Claire Underwood (House of Cards)

Hear me out: I know you may be thinking, “But Elisabeth Moss has the eyes of an angel!” or, “Claire Danes was naked in Romeo+Juliet and maybe if she wins she will get naked on Homeland!” But no one can beat out the ruthlessly cold and conniving Mrs. Underwood, and if they even attempt to try they will probably end up “committing suicide” (or so it would appear).

Lead Actor in a Drama Series

Probable winner: Kevin Spacey as Francis Underwood (House of Cards)

As much as I love Breaking Bad, Bryan Cranston just can’t compete with Kevin Spacey’s ‘don’t fuck with me-ness’. And though I would give up my left foot to spend one night with Jon Hamm, he’s used to the Emmy letdown by now and he should be fine.

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Probable winner: Some hot young thang

I love you Maggie Smith, but you’re up against both Emilia Clarke and Christina Hendricks. Considering the most powerful influences in Hollywood are men (and Beyonce, but I don’t think she gets a vote), I would wager that the beautiful young mother of dragons or the redheaded vixen will take this one.

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

Probable winner: Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister (Game of Thrones)

Jonathan Banks and Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad both give flawless performances, but I’m pretty sure Dinklage will win solely because of this line.

Outstanding Drama Series

Probable winner: House of Cards

Though it was definitely a year to watch the thrones, the Netflix original series has the ‘unique’ factor: it would become the first web only series to win an Emmy. And what is Hollywood if not unique and original?!

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Probable winner: Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope (Parks and Recreation)

Tina Fey has 7 Emmys, Julia Louis-Dreyfus has 3 (and 16 noms!), and I just don’t care about the other three nominees (“unbiased” has been used loosely to describe this article). Which makes the obvious choice Amy Poehler. Anyone who has seen a single episode of P&R knows that it is the best show currently on the air, and anyone who hasn’t seen an episode needs to fix that immediately. I recommend S2E7, “Greg Pikitis”, for your virgin eyes (And you know my recommendations are always right, cause I’m an RTVF major and so I must know everything about all TV ever for always).

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Probable winner: Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy (30 Rock)

I have to vote for him or else he will slam me into a car (but my heart secretly belongs to Jason Bateman).

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Probable winner: Sofia Vergara as Gloria Pritchett (Modern Family)

Remember what I said about Christina Hendricks earlier? Yeah. It’s like that.

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Probable winner: Bill Hader (SNL)

This is a tough category, with the alluring Adam Driver and basically the entire Modern Family cast, but I’m thinking it will go to Hader. He just finished his last season on SNL, and an Emmy would be the cherry on the top of the sundae that is his life. Tony Hale is also nominated for his role on Veep, but he would have it in the bag if it was an Arrested Development nomination.

Outstanding Comedy Series

Probable winner: Modern Family

It’s won this category the last 3 years running, but something tells me they’re going for a four-peat. There’s no use in fighting the inevitable.

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

Probable winner: Michael Douglas as Liberace (Behind the Candelabra)

Did you see this movie? Douglas WAS Liberace. Hands down the clear winner of this category. Though 17 year old Matt Damon was quite the sight as well.

None of the other awards matter so I didn’t write about them because they aren’t funny and also I don’t care.