What the f**k are the Miami Heat wearing?

A few things you should know before proceeding:

1. This article is officially dedicated to the magnificent section of the blogosphere that is “What the F**k is Michael Jordan Wearing?,” which would probably be my favorite Tumblr of all time if Ryan Gosling had never been born. 2. The only person I hate more than Newt Gingrich is Dwyane Wade. One time last year after the headache-inducing Eastern Conference Finals, I was taking the train to downtown Chicago. A guy passed me wearing a black Wade jersey. I almost fought him. 3. The only thing that made me jizz my pants more than the Super Bowl trailer for Avengers (which if you don’t think I’m gonna write an entire article about said trailer then you my friend have got another thing coming) was the news that the 2011 NBA lockout was over, starting with five games on Christmas Day. Halfway through the Heat-Mavericks Christmas game, I realized something: I actually hate the Miami Heat even more than I love the Chicago Bulls. And I love the Bulls a lot (wooo Luol Deng’s an All-Star wooooooo).

So there. Is my complete and utter hatred of all things Miami Heat apparent to you now? Good. Because this is an article about why the Miami Heat suck.

Well, not exactly. Unfortunately for me, the Miami Heat do not suck. At least, not in the traditional basketball way, the way the Washington Wizards suck. The Heat are actually a very good basketball team, and have a serious shot at returning to the NBA Finals this year and asdgadsdgasdddddhasdhdanbfdannnaffgdgsdgbbfnbnadn dfndfnadfnafnananananfafdndfadnadnannnananan

Sorry for that last part. I was repeatedly banging my head against my keyboard.

But the Heat do suck in almost every other way. Since Chris Bosh no longer cries in the Heat locker room after losses, I’m going to have to stick to their appalling choice of uniforms this year.

Last year it was actually reversed. The Heat weren’t terrible at basketball, but they weren’t great either (they started out 9-8, and the Bulls swept them in their three regular season meetings, so fuck you Heat). But their uniforms were actually kind of cool. “Heat” was stylized really well, with little flames coming off the letters, and the blackness was a cool blackness, that totally matched their status as villains. Unlike pretty much any every other team in the league, their uniforms actually captured their team name pretty well: The red and white thrown into the blackness combined to give off a sense of extreme heat. I’m going to stop now, because it’s physically impossible for me to talk or write about the Heat this positively for longer than like 3 seconds, but let’s just say I could understand why LeBron’s was the top-selling jersey last year.

Which makes this year’s Heat uniforms all the more confusing. There are two of them. One is a home uniform that’s mostly white but has a really incongruous red stripe down like the right side. Like, seriously, their uniforms have a racing stripe down the side. I tried to watch a Cavaliers/Heat game the other day but I couldn’t even focus on the awesomeness of Kyrie Irving because the Heat had magenta stripes running down the sides of their jerseys.

Then there’s the new all black uniforms, which completely eliminate the “oh cool their colors match their team name” factor and doesn’t make sense since NBA jerseys have always had at least two colors and the uniform concept doesn’t really make sense with only one. It just looks stupid.

I mean, what the fuck Heat?

I could only think of two explanations for this uniform atrocity. Maybe, after he finished blowing out the Mavericks on Christmas Day, LeBron James accidentally pushed Santa Claus off his roof, put on Santa’s suit, and was subsequently taken to the North Pole where an elf named Judy gave him silk pajamas, which he liked so much he decided to adopt as the new Heat team uniform.*

The other, perhaps slightly more rational reason: that this is all the brainchild of Pat Riley, that supervillain running a team of supervillains, the Magneto to LeBron/Wade/Bosh’s Sabretooth/Mystique/Toad.** In the eighties, when he was coaching Magic and the Lakers, Riley used to slick his hair back. That doesn’t seem like a big deal now, but back in the eighties (the Land Before Time) that slicked hair was like a giant “I’m SO much cooler than you” middle finger to every opponent the Lakers faced. These days, of course, no one gives a flying fuck what you do with your hair, so Riley has to come up with new ways of metaphorically flipping off his opponents. Maybe that’s why he decided to take three of the best players in the NBA and dress them like Hu Hefner. I mean, what’s the use of beating everyone at basketball if you can’t do it in silk pajamas, right? Like, “not only am I going to beat you at this game, but I’m going to do it in my underwear.” Or something.

Maybe they think it confers some sort of basketball advantage. Think of those guys you see walking down Sheridan in pajama pants. Don’t you just want to punch them? Now imagine trying to play basketball against that guy when all you can think of is how silly they look and how much you hate them for not even trying to dress themselves. It would probably be difficult.

Then again, maybe they’ve just succumbed to the same brainfart that made them think wearing black mouth guards (instead of the traditionally, y’know, transparent ones) was a good idea.

Dear Miami Heat, Those black mouth guards you guys are wearing? They are not cool. They do not make you look badass. In fact, they make you look gross. Super gross. Like you’ve suddenly caught a rare new strain of tuberculosis that makes you cough black blood. That is really what I think every time I see those black things dangling from your mouth. Please stop. Thank you. Sincerely, your biggest hater, BJ Taintz

So I think that settles that. I hate the Heat and they dress like idiots.

—————————————————————————————————————————— *If you completely understand this reference I’ll give you five dollars **That’s right, Wade. You get Mystique. Because I hate you