Haaaiii guyzz, I’m new here. And bitterly disappointed. Was anyone else under the impression that Sherman Ave was a dating site? Kept exclusively for Northwestern’s most heinous sexual predators and most socially awkward? I thought they were just really into necrophilia, seeing as they spend an awful lot of time talking about hooking up with dead historical figures.
As anybody with access to social media can tell, #shermanaveneedstogetfucked. So now I present to you, baby heinous gremlins, the Sherman Ave dating profile. The sexual tension is horrifying, like your grade in Orgo. I suggest nailing this profile to your dorm door, along with a condom (that’ll ensure your MRS degree, ladies...)
ASL: “21”/f/Sherman Ave (I work the corner of Emerson alongside the sorostitutes. Get at me.) What is your drunken alter-ego?: Whiskey Whiskers, The Rally Cat. This just so happens to be my sober ego, but with the addition of a British accent.
Favorite phallic-shaped vegetable: Eggplant. It’s all about dat girth.
Most sexually appealing cartoon character: Stan Marsh. Anyone who says otherwise can go suck an eggplant. Or get pervy and look up pictures of Jessica Rabbit. OH WAIT I was kind enough to do that for you already. You’re welcum. Mitch McConnell is a distant third.
Legally wed/perform coitus/pre-meditated murder of the Elephant Man, Jay Cutler, Joan of Arc: I’d kill the Elephant Man (is that a hate crime?) Then I’d proceed to fuck Jay Cutler-- HEAR ME OUT--only so that I could do him and drop him like the Texans defense. A broken heart ought to hurt a lot more than a fake knee injury, you twat. Then finally, I’d marry Joan of Arc. But wait, what’s this? I couldn’t marry another woman? SKAA-REEEW YOU GUYS, I’M GOIN HOME
The most seductive candy: Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. Nothing proves that you are physically fit enough for sexual activity than having the strength and stamina to break those fuckers open.
If you went to a Halloween party dressed as Britney Spears would you... A) Find a Justin Timberlake look-alike circa 2000 to hook-up with. B) Make out with someone dressed as Madonna. C) Put on a fat suit half way through the night. D) Get shwastey pants and have a mental break-down. Well, I’m not sure how D is any different from every night of my life... But A, for sure. I would live out my childhood fantasy of what true love should have been. Don’t act like little 9-year-old-You wasn’t devastated when the two of them broke-up!
How do you feel about handjobs? Don’t even get me started... Because I won’t finish...
If a child asked you “what is sex?” how would you address the question? I would take the kid to TKOE and let them observe, then I’d say, “This dancing, only without clothes. Well, usually. No don’t touch that! That is not milk...” This is coincidentally the reason I should never be allowed to be responsible for a kid.
Most disturbing TV show from your childhood: Rocko’s Modern Life, for sure. Upon revisiting it in the dark depths of Netflix, I realized how dirty that show really was! Like there’s an episode that Rocko is a phone sex operator. Not to mention that the fast food chain is named Chokey Chicken. LIKE WUT!?
Fourth favorite spirit animal during a hook-up: Cosmo the Cougar (Brigham Young University’s mascot.) Right behind kitten, cat, then lioness. Not that Cosmo is a particularly good-looking mascot, because I actually hate BYU (go Falcons), but I channel what he stands for. He stands for a school that is all about being thirsty and tryna get chose. Any university that has daycare for young mothers means that not only are they gettin’ chose, but they’re also gettin’ wifed-up! And finally, I channel Cosmo because the founder of Brigham Young is a distant relative of Ross Packingham. It’s all about bringing and packing the ham.
Now the awkward questions don’t end here, neither do the awkward sexual advances. If you go to Northwestern, you will have your fair share of uncomfortable social encounters. I suggest internet dating--that way awkward fucks get the time to think about their responses. Now go send a friend request to Sherman Ave on Facebook, and let’s all hope that son of a betch gets laid.