Opinion: NU Should Support Normal Humans from Warm Climates Such As Myself, a Normal Human
As winter descends on Chicago, I cannot help but wonder what the university is doing to aid human students from warmer parts of this planet as they transition to life in the north. As an average human person from Arizona, which is where I was born, I am unaccustomed to the kinds of temperatures routinely reached in this frozen climate. But while Northwestern has offices and task forces for students with disabilities, international students, and LGBTQIA+ students, there is no one looking out for the needs and political demands of ordinary, warm-blooded students who face undue stress as we attempt to navigate Northwestern’s lack of adequate temperatures or hibernation periods.
Like many of you, I attended a normal Earth high school populated by other students who, like me, were members of the species homo sapiens. Whenever I go back over break, my broodmates are all astonished that such a prestigious and powerful university as Northwestern does not adequately provide for our kind. And I share their astonishment. If Northwestern truly expects to provide us, its unextraordinary, mammalian students, with the means to one day dominate the world’s political, economic, and religious landscapes, then there is simply no excuse as to why it does not make every possible effort to be a home for those of us who have traveled a long way to be here.
There are a lot of simple solutions which university administrators could enact in order to make wintertime in Chicago more welcoming to students who are completely normal, of which I am one. For example, heat lamps could be installed at shuttle stops and along sidewalks so that those of us who are used to spending warm winters cuddled up on a nice rock could feel more at home. In addition, free winter wear could be given out to students from places you have heard of, like Arizona, where I am from, in order to protect our delicate organic flesh coverings or “skin” from frostbite. These measures would also give our parents, who worry about their hatchlings being so far from home, peace of mind regarding our adaptation to our new life here.
Given that President Morty Schapiro is a close family friend and from the same normal Earth town as me, it astounds me that he has not given more consideration to those members of our community who followed him in infiltrating joining this university. If Northwestern made a little more of an effort to include students of all backgrounds, ethnicities, species, and galactic origins, I feel as though it would be a better place to learn. Without a suitable habitat, ordinary, non-threatening, non-reptilian Northwestern students such as myself, who is one of you, will never be able to learn the skills and knowledge required to someday take over human society.