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How we should really celebrate Columbus Day

Fall is a marvelous time of the year.  The leaves fall gracefully from the trees, the colors shift from lush greens to warm reds and deep yellows, and Tony Romo throws a lot of interceptions.  But when we're not busy picking apples, trouncing through corn mazes, and drunkenly stumbling all over the student section of college football games, we have a tendency to catch a bit of a cold.

Now, we weren't the first people to ever catch a cold in the fall.  Back in the late 15th century, a nice Italian man named Christopher Columbus (think Silvio Berlusconi, but slightly less likely to molest your daughter) became the first second one of the first Europeans to reach what they called "The New World."  Even though The New World is where we live today, 15th century Europe perceived it as a place of mystery and darkness, much like modern-day Detroit.  Yet, Columbus bravely led his three trusty vessels - the Nina, the Pinta, and the Black Pearl - across the wide Atlantic Ocean and arrived safely in North America.  When he got there, though, it was fall, and many of the locals fell quite ill immediately thereafter.

Today is Columbus Day.  Today is a day we set aside to commemorate and celebrate Columbus and his violent genocide contraction of syphilis status as an explorer.  But a more proper way to recognize this holiday is to go to your local pharmacy, grocery store, or back alley and get a flu shot, to make sure you don't suffer the same inevitable fate that millions did when Columbus showed up.  So get vaccinated, cuddle up under your warmest blanket, and keep warm this fall.  Happy Columbus Day, America!

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