How to Successfully Drug Your Way Through NUDM
So you decided to do Dance Marathon. Yikes. Whether you’re a decent human being who actually cares about supporting a good cause or you were peer-pressured into signing up like everyone else on this goddamn campus, there’s no going back. Luckily for you, drugs aren’t that hard to find, and if you want to survive all THIRTY FUCKING HOURS of dancing, I suggest you take them… a lot of them. Since alcohol alone won’t do much, you’ve got to get creative with your substances. So without further ado, I give you the official™ drug-by-drug guide to tweak your way through DM!
5:30 pm: Alcohol ~ 1 Watermelon Four Loko, 4-7 shots of Svedka
You really got to ease your way into this drug bender. There will be plenty of time for harder substances, believe me, but to start, polish off a good ol’ can of Watermelon Four Loko, followed by anywhere between 4 and 7 shots of Svedka. This way, your body can quickly adapt to a familiar substance and thus take on any uncomfortable situation DM throws at you, like watching a bunch of white children synchronously butcher “the whip.”
8:30 pm: Acid ~ 300 mcg
Yep, you read that right: acid, lots and lots of acid. To combat your ensuing hangover, take about 300 micrograms of that sweet, sweet California Sunshine. One tab and you’ll be gazing into the strobe lights, contemplating the Cupid Shuffle and why it fully symbolizes the human condition. ‘Tis the perfect 8-hour distraction from the never-ending college Bar Mitzvah party that is DM. Did I mention it was thirty hours?
6:00 am: Molly ~ 250 mg
When you feel yourself slowly coming down and the floor is no longer a bed of spaghetti lava, it’s time to dose back up. I suggest around 250 mg of authentic-but-most-likely-laced Molly - give it half an hour and you’ll think you’re at Burning Man with Queen Gigi herself. Pro tip: when the 4-hour effects start wearing off, take it again . . . and again . . . and again. Honestly, just keep taking hits of Molly until your brain feels like banana pudding and/or the clock hits the 20-hour mark. Like Dr. Seuss once said, “Life is short; DM is long; trip balls and you can’t go wrong.”
7:00 pm: Horse Tranquilizers ~ 100 mg
So at this point into the night, your body is at DEFCON 1. Thanks to the all the drugs and dancing, your mind is gone, you’re dangerously close to cardiac arrest, and all you want to do is call it quits. So then just leave the tent, right? WRONG - you forgot that this is a hostage situation and the DM committee won’t let you leave because they’re a bunch of fascists. Naturally, you’re left with only one option: horse tranquilizers. Also known as the “Charles Manson of drugs,” a horse tranq will fuck you up to the moon and back. I don’t actually know what these things will do to you nor would I ever try them myself, but just remember this: if you die, you don’t have to dance!
11:00 pm: Cocaine ~ As much as you can possibly snort in one hour
If you somehow survive the horse tranquilizers and have not yet entered a vegetative state, then I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is DM is almost over; the bad news is DM is still not over. So, as an ode to Morty’s daily routine, I suggest you gather all the cocaine a $70,000 private school student can and start skiing those slopes. If you can 8-ball your way through the last hour, then I guarantee you will be carried off in a stretcher remembered as a DM legend.
Congratulations! Now you know how to successfully drug your way through NUDM. Alas, though the dancing is over, the dosing should still be at full throttle; I suggest a nice mix of Advil, Nyquil, and any kind of hard painkiller you can steal from Searle. Rest, relax, and reflect, but don’t take too long - NUDM 2018 is less than a year away and it’s time to start raising some goddamn money!