Freshman Guide: Stealing from Lisa's
Hi kids. You got into Northwestern, so you’ve literally never done anything wrong in your entire life, right? Well, that’s all about to change.
Picture this: Lisa’s Cafe, open until 3am, located right in between Bobb and the fraternity quad, and overflowing with all the junk food your little freshman heart desires. What could go wrong???? Seems innocent, right? No. Don’t make the rookie mistake of wasting precious Cat Cash on those Hot Cheetos. Stealing from Lisa’s is just too easy, and all the cool kids are doing it. Here, Sherman Ave presents the complete guide on how to check off a Northwestern bucket list item way edgier than Dance Marathon: stealing from Lisa’s.
Step 1: Walk in. Fresh out of a Phi Chi Bi party, you’re still buzzed off of Skol and ready to indulge. Or it could be 2pm on a Tuesday. The timing of this event could not matter less. I promise you that.
Step 2: Really look around. Make the Slivka residents in there that actually paid for their chipotle chicken wrap think that you are also going to pay. It’s all about the mind game.
Step 3: Once you’ve chosen the Talenti gelato or some other shit you would never actually spend money on, pick it up with your hand. Either hand works.
Step 4: I was going to say hide it in your jacket, but we both know it doesn’t matter whether it’s in your jacket or your trendy satchel or your hand.
Step 5: Walk out. Not quickly but not slowly. Just literally walk out. Or sit down and eat it there. Who cares. No further questions.
Note: If your friend asks you why you’re leaving with 3 containers of Queso without paying, never speak to them again. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Well, thanks to me you just saved yourself a hard earned equivalency meal, that can now be used in the real world, like Fran’s or Norris.
If you feel like taking this to the next level, or if you’re one of those sophomores who lives North (you know the kind), you could just take the whole ice cream freezer, honestly. Rumor has it someone dragged a dead body through there last year and no one said anything. But you didn’t hear that from me.