Freshman Guide: Ghosts
Hey, Freshman Class! September is right around the corner, and you know what that means: Ghost Season. Sure, you may be excited about “independence” and “new friends,” but every NU student knows that Fall Quarter is when the ghouls attack, and no one wants to be the poor chump without a soul when they go home for Thanksgiving Break.
To make sure you’re well prepared for your first haunting, Sherman Ave has prepared a handy-dandy little guide for identifying/banishing any spirits you might encounter on campus.
How to Tell if your Dorm Room is Haunted
Do your items go missing, only to reappear with seemingly no warning?
Is your room coated in a dusty sheen that never seems to go away?
Does the air under your bed smell like motor oil and burning hair?
Unless your kleptomaniac roommate has a crippling arson problem, you’re probably dealing with a ghost.
What Do Ghosts Want?
The most important fact to remember is that all ghosts are evil. Despite what Casper may preach, the spirits of your great-great grandmother and John Wilkes Booth want the exact same thing: your soul.
Why do they want your soul? After an intimate two-night sexcapade with the mustachioed ghost of surrealist painter Salvador Dalí, one Sherman Ave researcher came to the conclusion that our corporeal form is not enough to satisfy a ghost’s infinite needs. The human soul, on the other hand, is dynamite in the sack.
What Happens If I Lose My Soul?
Common symptoms of soullessness include: general lack of emotion, antisocial tendencies, bleeding from the eyes and ears, sudden bursts of anger, and robotic gestures.
McCormick Students are unlikely to experience any significant change.
What do I do if I encounter a ghost?
Ghost prevention is no joke. The easiest way to banish a ghost is your basic goat sacrifice, but most people are a little squeamish.
If you find yourself being chased by a ghost, run down to Hinman. Not even a spirit would voluntarily enter a building so repulsive. For a more long-term solution, try dousing yourself in Stingray Tracy’s Homemade Ectoplasm™: one part amoebic cytoplasm, two parts garlic butter.
Good luck out there!
Love,
The Soulless Bastards of Sherman Ave
