A Heinous[1] Proposal: Last-Minute Pitch for Punny Fall TV Shows

Now is the time of year when executives at the major national broadcasting networks begin to decide which TV shows they’re going to give pilots to in the fall lineup, and in four short weeks they will announce to America what lies in store this coming September. While there are some clear front runners, it’s still too early to tell which pilots are flops waiting to happen and which will be the next Grimm: the police procedural/fantasy hybrid based in the world of Grimms’ Fairy Tales that is still keeping viewers spellbound three seasons in. Fridays, 9/8c[2].

There are also some concepts floating around out there that are amazingly ridiculous[3], but the proposed concepts are missing one thing. There is a severe lack of series titles built around fantastically groan-inducing puns[4]. That’s why I’ve prepared this list of pun-based TV pilots that I’m trusting one of you RTVF readers to get into the right hands.

ABC: A drama-comedy about a university for aspiring zookeepers, similar in tone to the show Scrubs, where the main character (probably named Zeke or something quirky like that) is majoring in African mammal psychology. The show will be called The HippoCampus.

IFC or Adult Swim (ideally): A kind of “out-there” comedy about group of small talking rodents who, after getting stuck in the routine of a 9-5 office job after college, decide to make a change. They abandon their former lives and move to Europe where they enjoy such daily debauchery as frequenting brothels and smoking copious amounts of cannabis. The show will be called Hamsterdam.

FOX: A unique superhero action-comedy about a tall and lanky red-headed guy named Jeff who, after years of saving up, finally scrapes together enough money to start his own bakery. The only place he can afford is this cheap lot next to an old nuclear weapons decommissioning warehouse. One day, in a freak accident, there is an explosion at the warehouse that levels Jeff’s bakery while he is inside, and through exposure to the radiation he becomes…GingerBread Man!

CBS: A buddy cop comedy about a hotshot rookie detective with some of the greatest powers of observation and deduction ever. The only catch? He’s blind! His partner is a straight-shooting by-the-book veteran who thinks (s)he (not sure if I want sexual tension there, will revisit) has seen it all…until now. It will be called Blindsight is 20/20.

Playboy Channel: A porno spoof on Greek mythology involving a sexy damsel being kidnapped by a sexy centaur, only to be rescued from her sexy fate by the Greek god of genitalia: Testicles (pronounced TES-TIK-LEEZ).

MTV: Reality TV show of a middle-aged Miley Cyrus after she has settled down with the wrecking ball due to the unplanned pregnancy that came out of that one crazy night years ago. They try to get along now for the sake of the child but Miley still has the urge to break free from the social construct of a stay-at-home mom and just be herself. Unfortunately, her husband is very set in his ways and doesn’t think it is a woman’s place to express herself. It will be called The Old Ball and Chain.

[1] What is going on with that title? I honestly think that the only adjective my editor knows is “heinous.” Unless “punny” counts as an adjective. Whatever, that guy’s an idiot.

[2] Can we have our money now, NBC?

[3] One is about a star medical examiner who studies dead bodies because he has a dark secret: he’s immortal! (That’s my favorite.)

[4] Ok, not entirely true. There’s one about a retired CIA operative turned high school football coach who has to come back to his former job to investigate a domestic terrorist attack. It was going to be called Red Zone, but now it’s called Field of Play. Also, there’s one about a couple who see the wife’s brother get divorced and start questioning their own relationship. It’s called Love is Relative. My puns are better though.

Ok, that’s it. That’s the end of the article, no more TV ideas, bye. Wait, fuck, my editor wants to me to pitch his idea too. Holy shit, this is so stupid. Anyway, here it is:

NBC: A TV show about a humble mouse called Modest Mouse.

That’s it; there’s actually nothing more to it. I think he wanted to subtly drop the fact that he listens to indie music or something. Jesus.