A Day in the Life of a Northwestern Rabbit
Rise and shine, Northwestern. Gonna eat some grass, have some rabbit sex, and poop some little poop pellets. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh yeah, having some consensual rabbit sex. This is some sexy sex. It’s good to be a hare.
Nothing like shitting out all of the cellulose I ate from the grass. Pellets on pellets on pellets. Hell yeah. This is the life of a rabbit.
Aw yeah! The rabbit I had sex with just gave birth. I’m a dad. My kids don’t have fur and look like afterbirth, but I feel like a proud rabbit daddy. I am still shitting pellets. The fun never ends.
A German Shepherd just saw me. Fuck, okay. Relax, self. It’ll be okay.
It’s chasing me. Holy shit, I am going to die.
Hid in a bush for 24 minutes. Dog got bored.
It is so cold. Hibernation was over 2 months ago. Goals: make friends with an engineer. Have him do DTC project on rabbit vests. Canada Goose rabbit vest?
Is that a squirrel? On my grass. God, squirrels are so fucking bottom tier. Get out of here, squirrel! Fucking geed squirrel.
Oh man. Is that a hawk? That hawk is so top tier. I’m gonna go say hi.
Top tier hawk swooped down from a tree and picked up geed squirrel. Are they gonna play?
...He ate the squirrel.
Some girl just walked passed me and said, “Aw! A bunny!” A bunny? I’m a rabbit, you you fuckin’ UChicago reject. When will the micro-aggressions end?
Jimmy John’s driver almost ran me over. I’m gonna shove the over-priced Subway he’s delivering up his ass.
Rabbit wife gave me rabbit gonorrhea.
Wrote a poem:
Carrots are yellow
Want to say to God, “Hello.”
My life is spiraling out of control
Going to eat more grass.
Is the fox real or a rumor idk.
Aw yeah. More rabbit sex.
Mounted a male rabbit. Still felt good. Rabbit sex is a spectrum.
Gonna go sleep in my warren (rabbit burrow) until night time so I can hunt for more grass.
Let’s eat some grass and shit some more pellets.
A human! Why is he stumbling toward me? It’s only a Thursday.
He’s chasing me fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck it’s not supposed to end like this.
He fell and isn’t getting up.
Fuck. This. School.